Ciao Bello..

FYI.. Fabio from this season's Top Chef is the fucking biggity bomb.
Just watch him.
Do it.
It's like your chonies just want to come off and find him and live with his chonies.

In case you don't know whom in the hell I am rambling about, Fabio is the Italian dude on Top Chef.

He is fabulous.
Now mind you, I am not a particular fan of Italians.
Never trust one, totally full of shit and shenanigans.
Like my Grandpa who told everyone that he used to play tennis with Benito Mussolini.
Not only was this little over share complete and total bullshit, um, not something to be proud of Gramps.

Anywho back to my little Italian Stallion.
He is charming and funny and sweet and is 30 but looks like he is 45 and doesn't understand English phrases but pretends to and has good teeth and loves to cook, and to tell me that I'm pretty.
He also is the personal chef of Captain Kirk himself, William Shatner.
Dude.
That makes him even cooler.

I hope he wins.
Maybe he will renew my faith in Italians.
Probably not cause they are all bastards.
Bastards who played tennis with evil dictators that dug Nazi's.
I'm just saying.

And here we go...

The nominees for The 66th Annual Golden Globe Awards will be announced Thursday, December 11 at the butt crack of dawn.


Honestly, I am not super excited for the awards season this year.
Movies were meh with only a few exceptions and television has delivered a bunch of poo poo.
Dudes, if Katherine Heigl is still on television and getting film work, you know the world is going to hell in a hand basket and there is nothing good to come from Hollywood.


Anywho, below are my picks for this season's film nominees and possible winners.


Best Actress -

Kate Winslet may be nominated for Revolutionary Road but as The Critics Choice nominations have shown, that may not be the case.

Critics Choice is a good barometer for who will be nominated for a Golden Globe and/or Academy Award.
Or so they say.
Like you didn't know that.
Sorry.

Moving on..

My hope is that Anne Hathaway does not win a damn thing.
Yes, she will be nominated for Rachel Getting Married, a pretentious film that does not need to add an S to Rachel.
But please, please, as God is my own personal warrior, do not let this bitch win.

Angelina may be nominated but won't win, due to the fact that no one saw The Changeling and the world is better for it.
Who wants to see a downer of a film with no chance for a happy ending?
Because let's face it, when Clint directs a movie the ending will be void of warm fuzzies.

Now Angelina will win the award for best looking couple at any event on planet earth as witnessed at the Benjamin Button premiere last night.




Whatever.
How is it that these two are way too good looking for my own good?
They procreate and adopt children who are way too good looking for my own good.
It's not fair and I should receive some sort of stipend from the government for this kind of abuse.



They say that Meryl Streep will be nominated for her portrayal as a nun on a mission from God in the movie Doubt.
Streep can be awesome-o but I don't go out to see her films and I don't particularly think she is all that, all the time.
What I am saying is that when I said she was awesome-o, I lied.
Have you seen the commercials for Mama Mia?
No not the film, just the commercial.
Cause if you see the film, I guarantee, you will become mentally retarded.
That's a fact.
Look it up.


I vote for Cate Blanchett for just being rad.
Oh, and she may be fabulous in the Button movie, I don’t know.
I just want her to start dressing fabulous again.


Moving on..

Best Actor -

The Rourke looks like a sure-fire nominee and cross my fingers, a winner.
Have you seen the the preview?
I mean this shit makes me cry every time I see it.
I have a cold heart people and this melts it.

Side bar:
Is it me or does Rourke remind you of Charlize Theron in Monster?


Except this is no character.
This is what Rourke really looks like.
Every day.
24/7.
No makeup, that's his real freaking face.
No, I'm not kidding.

Do you want a before picture of Rourke?
Before the drugs, steroids and boxing pulvarization?

No words for this.


Next...

The Pitt.
Should have won for 12 Monkeys.
Definitely for Fight Club.
I have not seen this Benjamin Button, but I do like the baby moustache he is rocking and think that he is lovely and endearing and funny and a non-douche.
So.
Yeah.

No on Clint.
He is old and he wins everything, so no.
The guy has like eight Academy Awards, Santa Barbara and got away with the, I'm an old man so I can stare at your boobs Angelina Jolie, so he's all good.

No on the Frank Langella.
I am not convinced of his Nixon and who really cares about Nixon anyway?
Is he even relevant anymore?
Ha!
Facial Nixon!

Michael Sheen should be nominated.

My vote...
Rourke.
Or else he will go ape shit and that may be just as good as him trying to give an acceptance speech sober style.


Supporting Actress -

Tomei will be nominated and may win for The Wrestler thereby ridding her of the stigma as the, wait. what?, winner for My Cousin Vinny.

However, Winslet needs a freaking Oscar and if she is going to get it by being a naked, jail bait screwing Nazi, as she is in The Reader, then so be it.

My vote..
Winslet.

Supporting Actor -

Ledger would be fabulous and sad at the same time.
He was radical in The Dark Night, had an amazing career ahead of him, a lovely daughter and ex-lady friend and his dumb ass should not have been into the drogas.
But whateves.
He didn't call me when the chips were down, he called an Olsen and that in and of itself equals an epic failure.

Next please..

Robert Downey Jr. could be the dark horse as he kicked some serious ass in Tropic Thunder and this is his freaking year.
Josh Brolin ruled the school as the insecure, possibly closeted, on the brink of losing his shit character, Dan White in the movie Milk.

Side bar:
Dude, remember that one time when Brolin hit his wife?
I am so sad about that.
To get over my feelings of disgust for his actions, I will only appreciate Brolin's acting skills.
Not his husband skills.

I vote for...
Ledger.

Moving on..

Best Picture and Director -

My hope?
Slumdog Millionaire.
Dudes.
Danny Boyle is one of my favorites.
His films are fabulous, Cillian Murphy is in most of them, he helps lepers and the elderly alike and it's really all about me so..
Boyle for the win.

Those are my picks.
We shall receive the nominations on Thursday and the winners on January 11.

Peaces Greases.

P.S.
Can they give the Lifetime Achievement award to Kevin Bacon?
This man has to deal with "The Closer" in every aspect of his life.
If that does not merit an award, his eight billion movie roles should.

And I raaannn, I ran so far away, and in my heart, in my heart you'll stay.

Please watch it and love it and own it and work it and cut and paste it..
I want to have 1000 Samberg babies..

Incredibad this way

wang, schlong, dong, johnson, pecker, woody, chode

Dudes.
Buenos Noches.

It looks like Kristen Stewart is back in the news.
A writer from the Chicago Sun Times felt the necessity to talk
shit.
Quickly followed up by Lainey, stirring the pot by comparing Stewart to Joaquin Phoenix.

Dude.
In response to the first article, yes, the girl is a gigantic train wreck when it comes to interviews, possibly stemming from her overuse of "big words" and her inability to enjoy life, let alone complete a sentence.
But cut her a little slack.
Imagine someone asking you for the billionth time why you chose the hott Brit to be the leading man (duh!), what it was like to play a simple girl with zero cajones and why the hott Brit felt the need to make a 180 year-old vamp sound like a guido.
Actually, I wish someone would ask that freaking question.

In response to the second quip, the girl is 18, socially retarded, thinks she has indie cred and likes to smoke weed to forget the pain that is Twilight.
Comparing her to the JP is absolutely ridiculous.
I mean this kid watched his brother die, tried to recover from the loss by changing his name from Leif to Joaquin, only to find that he couldn't recover with just a name change because he would always live in his brother's shadow, to the point that he has succumbed to the demons which have left him a shell of a man.

I lost it for the Joaquin after Walk the Line.

He was handsome, slim, dedicated and solid as a rock, rock, rock, rock, rock, rock.

Now he's a pudgy burn out, with a serious drug problem - which in and of itself is beyond me -, who thinks making a documentary about his ultimate downward spiral and life as a "rapper" is worth anyone's time and makes me vomit whenever I see photos of him and his attempt at spelling Good Bye.

Clever, you fuck.
The guy thinks he's a rapper.
A. Rapper.
If this kid has not gone over the deep end, then the addition of Casey Affleck as his director on this documentary of evil should help convince you.

All of this has made me so sad, so I read
this.

Skip ahead to page 4 and read Stephanie Meyer's take on the "dazzle" scene from Twilight the movie.
Man I wish this ho would shut. the. fuck. up.
Agreed, the scene should have been better, but you and your “novel” are not the fucking second coming, so be happy with what you got.
Give this biyotch fangirls and she turns into an auteur that thinks she will be relevant in 5 years time.
Ugh. Meyer, I spit in your general direction.


Most importantly, as an FYI, next time you attend the premiere of your film, phone a friend, use a lifeline, please get help from someone who will put you in front of a mirror to tell you that you look like a manatee in a shrug.


Moving on, it looks like the Pooptrow and hubby may be on the outs.
According to this article, the Pooper is making it with tool, a power tool.

Sure she is married to a tool now, but I guess you can never get enough tool.


This dude looks like that guy in those penis enlargement commercials, Bob?


Yep, this guy..



Looks like I may have been too harsh.
Gwynnie may be leaving her tool of a husband for a dick of a trust fund baby..

One more thing, have you seen the Adidas commercial with the house party that I wish I attended, like every day, but wasn’t cool enough to get invited to?
No?
enjoy kids
FYI, the song is Beggin’ a remix done by Madcon.


I got skills, I'll be back.


Peaces Greases..

the bionic, the bomb, the puff, the blow, the herb, the cronic, the sweet Mary Jane, the shit, Ganja, split, reefa,

So, saw the gigantic piece of caca known as the Twilight movie.
I am so out like Casino.
Cash my chips in dudes; the love has left the building.

That does not mean that I don't check in on the kids from the film, whose lives are totally and completely up shit creek.

This includes the lovely and marginally talented Kristen Stewart.
Girlfriend is 18, surly and in the middle of a media shit storm that she is totally not prepared for.
Plus, the little indie movie she thought she was making, has made $70 million dollars in the opening weekend alone and that my friends equals three more craptastical films to look forward to.
So what does a girl with serious social anxiety do to take the edge off a bad career move?
She smokes weed on the front steps of her home with her oily bohunk of a boyfriend.
Front steps.
Not in the backyard.
Not in the comfort of ones own home.
Nope, right there, on the front steps.
Where the photogs are camped out to study her every move.
Her PR peeps are going to be so mad at her.
For more photos click here.

Sad.
Girlfriend needs an intervention.
I volunteer and would like to discuss the following:
1. Her relationship with Nikki Reed. A nice girl but a total succubus who cannot seem to get any other roles in films other then those directed by Catherine Hardwicke.
2. Her relationship with that oily bohunk of hers, of whom she has been with since she was 14. Why, oh why she is still with the kid from Sky High?


As a lovely friend pointed out, he always looks like he is headed to a casting of Grease.

3. Oh, and of course this bit of info of gossip from Lainey.
Dudes.
I condone this whole-heartedly.
I mean, look at the dude..

Wake up San Francisco.
In the immortal words of Vanilla Ice, drop the zero and get with the hero.





On another note, those rumors about Joseph Gordon Levitt and Evan Rachel Wood, are just that, rumors.
Yes, they both have two first names, and are actors.
But no, no dating.
Have you seen her recently?

um. yeah. at a loss for words.


All right girls and boys have yourselves a fabulous turkey day..


be back soon.

peaces greases.

Huh huh huh hu-uh huh I know this much is true ...

Ok.
So, a few weeks ago I spilled my guts and told the world (or the three people that read this blog,) that I had read and was sucked (HA!) into the world of Twilight.
Since that blog entry, I have vomited my way through the other two books in the series, New Moon and Eclipse, and can’t bring myself to read the fourth, Breaking Dawn.

Um, all I can say is wow.
Wow that Stephanie Meyer was given the green light to continue to write three more books.


Now I am not going to get on my soapbox, but for fuck’s sake!
Did anyone take the time to read the manuscripts before unleashing this crap on teenage girls?
Maybe someone could have let Meyer in on the fact that female protagonist can have identities other then being some dudes bitch, have interests and opinions outside of their stalker boyfriends, enjoy dressing in clothes other then sweats and flannel shirts and need not create drama in their lives in order to push a story along.


Could Meyer have created a duller more one-dimensional character that is Bella Swan for her legions of fans?

How about creating a hott piece of vampire ass in the first book only to turn around and make the dude into a wiener-less, shell of a man, whose retarded girlfriend straight up stomps on his heart, whines and complains about everything and makes out with his mortal enemy.
Does he lose the zero and get with the hero?
No, he forgives and stays with her cause he loooooves her and her totally boring, fashionably challenged and socially retarded
ways.

And honestly, what is up with not allowing these two to hump?
I mean, maybe if they humped, Bella wouldn't be such a tool and Edward would get his Rhett Butler on.

Uhh!
Why did I read this?
I care enough to blog about this crap and that is total sad clown face.

Really, the only reason I am hanging on is because of this guy.

Yes, this dude is hot, hot, hot.
HOT.
Damn Gina hot.
Like putting him in the Twilight movie as Edward was a bad idea because one cannot help but think that Bella and Edward would hump in the first five minutes of the film cause he is so. damn. hot.

I just don’t want him to speak.
Total nerd alert.
Shhh.
Just stand there.

I digress.
This shit is lame.
I am lame for reading it.
I won’t mention it again.


Except.
Damn.
He is hot.

VIVA Barack Obama!!!!!!!!!!!

Enough said...

I'd do it if I could, I hope you know I would...

word bitches.
um, first let us take a moment to rewind to the age of headgear, pining for an oily bohunk and the hot bitch known as Jordan Catalano.
this should bring back amazingly awesome memories.
i liked Danes at this point, wanted to bone down with Leto or, excuse me, Jordan Catalano, and totally loved the Buffalo Tom song playing in the background that I downloaded it TONIGHT!

Project Runway is ovah.
Leanne won.
Big whoop.
Like we didn't see that coming from the very beginning.
What I didn't see coming was how much I would want Leanne to wash her hair from now until, um, forever.
Geez girl, things are not that bad in hipster nation that you could not buy Prell for like $1.50 at Walgreens and go to town on that oil slick.
Shit, bitch.

Chevron's Q&A here

Oh, and, Kenley?
I loathe you more then the two people on the top of my list that I actually know, hate and hope will burn in hell for all eternity and then some.
Take care of that thing your face does and jog on.

Kenley's exit interview from EW this a way


Korto,
Mi gusta.
And girl, you looked good at Bryant Park but your clothes kinda didn't.

Korto's peace out ovah here


Honestly, what has any winner of PR, with the exception of my main man Siriano, ever done with their lives?
So be stoked that you were on the last season on Bravo before the switch happens to the ovary snatching channel and peace out.


I am chocked full of gossip for you kids and I will share.
But for now, watch My So Called Life clips and dream of Catalano for eva.


Peaces Greases..

Heroes 3.2

Few things.

One, how freaking awesome is it that Bitchy is Sydog's mom..?

Two, how awesome was Sydog, trying to be good for five minutes and then not?

Three, how chubtastic was the retard blond speedster in her super suit?

Four, Tracy and Niki are twinner test tube babies, created in a lab.

Five, ODB = super badass as per usual.

Six, the preview for next week with Sydog all Jewish house mother and shit.

Seven, the return of Soul Glo for two long seconds.


Radical.

Heroes - S3 Episode 1

The two-hour season premiere of Heroes was tonight and I must say that those two hours were better then all of Season 2 combined.
So much good poop and of course, bad diarrhea.

The Good:

Sylar coming back, looking lean and mean, cutting peeps brains open, fucking shit up.

Mohindog, taking serum to finally gain super powers and some balls, becomes a bad ass with super strength, penis and peeling power.

Elle, all combustible and shit, losing papa Ned Ryerson, getting shit on by Bitchy which insures her most definitely coming over from the dark side.

Bitchtastic Peterelli, revealing her seeing the future super power, remaining bitchy and wrinkly while doing so.

Nathan, alive, with too much plastic surgery, so much so that his teeth are uber white and protruding, loving the Lord with his imaginary friend Linderman.

ODB out of cell number 5, ready to riggidy role son!

Claire all unfeeling, with a touch of dramatic acting and a dash of poo strain face.

Hottrelli, not so hot with the scar across his face, but then is hott when he doesn't have it, totally fucking up the space/time continuum.

Not Nikki, split personality free without a memory, living in a deluxe apartment in the sky, turning people into ice without trying as witnessed by her murder of the Great American Hero!

Claire's white trash mom who ends up being a fire starter, wicked fire starter.

Plus…
The new super bad villains.
Bitchy revealing that she is Sylar's homa.
Bitchy seeing the future villains straight up murdering the Heroes asses.

All and all the season premiere was fabulous and worth the wait for me to go from nerd to nerd alert.


The Bad:
The freaking super fast blond.
Bitch, please.
Try taking an acting class or two and not from Dora the Explorer.
Her hair is terrible, her red sweat suit, awful and her stupid face with added pout looks like a talking anus.
I hope she dies.
Stat.


The Vato shell that Peter Petrelli was put into.
Um, hi.
Could the Heroes casting director maybe picked up the dude from Training Day that talks about getting his shit pushed in, instead of this dude?
I mean come on.
I would have totally bought it coming from that dude.
ORALE!



Hiro.
I dunno.
He bothers me.
He should have practiced his, eyes tightly shut to convey the stoppage of time acting skill in the mirror this summer cause I am not buying it.


Porkman.
Is there a reason he is around other then Felicity nostalgia?
Cause I aint feeling it this season and my patients better not be tried.


Maya all hotastic and tan with a heavier accent then the last time we saw her, wearing super tight white capris, yellow halfie and stripper platforms to match.
Why is she still here?
To look like she shops at the tween section at Forever 21, looking fake and bake while doing so?
Figure it out folks and quick.



Questions?

What happened to Soul Glow?
How did Not Nikki come back?
What happened to Super Cousin without plot development?
What happened to Chompers aka Molly?




Next week..
More shit happens and things go down.
So stoked.


Peaces Greases..

No, you can't give a build-up like that and not deliver..

Ok.
I have a confession to make.
I have been wrapped up in ... gulp ...Twilight.
Yes, I broke the fuck down.
It has been a downward spiral of evil and shame.
I hate myself and feel dirty about reading this deliciously entertaining smut.
I want to take a shower and if it involves vampire hott piece Edward Cullen, all the better.

If you don't know what in the heck Twilight is, witness.

I feel like a 12-year-old with pimples, that smells like pee and always forgets to wear her headgear.
I mean honestly.

I totally cock blocked myself from reading this.
Didn't want to jump on the bandwagon.
Wanted to be a rebel.
Then I buckled because I wondered how is it that this book is so freaking popular and from the fanatics addictive?

So, I read it and here is the 411.

Low Points:
First off, I don't want to knock on the S. Meyer fandom but homegirl kinda writes like poo.
She climbs up to Big Word Mountain and yells out the baddest ones she can.
So many situations were I barfed over the cheese factor and found myself keeping count on how many times she used the words dazzling, beautiful and statuesque.

Plus, Meyer cannot dress a character to save her life.
Bella, the protagonist, the object of Edward's affections, the human girl that breaks him, wears a flannel at some point in the story.
Edward, the hottness, wears a white, mock turtleneck.
Um, this dude is so not freaking Bobby Brown circa 1992, jammin' on the one, ok.

High Points:
Meyer is a phenom in the storyteller department.
You can't put the book down because you have to know what's going to happen next.
It's like she doused the book with crack.

The characters are interesting; there is drama plus a little action/adventure.
People glowing and shit.
Sexual tension and intrigue.
Prom!

Most importantly, the vampire dude character guy?
Majorly crush worthy.
He smells necks and traces his figure around jaw lines.
He watches you sleep and writes songs for your ass.
He drives fancy cars, saves his ho and I am sure would look good in a suit.
As evidenced here by Robert Pattinson, Edward in the film, along with the other cast members.


The love story is pretty fabulous too.
Kinda like Leonardo and Claire in that Romeo and Juliet redo, were you just about lost your shit over the romantico and wanted to straight commit suicide for your high school boyfriend Randy..
No?


As far as the film goes..
Kristen Stewart and the above-mentioned Rob Pattinson play the leads in the film adaptation.

The two look good together.
Pretty surprised and how lovely Stewart turned out.
I thought she would go the rough route like her mentor Jodi Foster.

Don't get me started on Robert Pattinson aka Cedric Diggory.
Um..
Observe My Ho Fo' Sho'-




The other folks in the cast are straight outta the CW, look like they have bad weaves and cannot hold a candle to, I want to pat him on his sweet ass, Pattinson.


Anywho, read the Twilight if you're down.
But I warn you, you may lose friends, significant others, $85 for the four book series and street cred.
Major, major Nerd Alert.

P.S. The movie comes out November 21 and I am so there it's insane.


Photos courtesy of bellaandedward.com, InStyle and Just Jared.

By the Power of Greyskull...

Before we begin the gossip..

Please see Step Brothers because, in a word, mind blowing.

Yes, that was two but whateves.


On another movie note, have any of you 5 people who read this blog seen Tropic Thunder?
Robert Downey Jr. was fabulous.
As far as the movie goes, I liked it but did not love it.
Point is, and I know I am going to burn, burn, burn for this one, Tom
Cruise was, dare I say, awesome.
Serious folks.
He did a great job, he was funny, spot on and the boy can dance Cher.
Watch it before you boil my rabbit.



White Chola finally popped out what I hoped would have been a mini cholita but was disappointed to find out it was a mini cholito.
Yes, Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale was born this morning and his name sucks serious, serious asshole.
You can read all the details here.


Moving on to the best. news. ever.
Hooray.



Did you kids hear this very sweet news that melted my cold, cold cynical heart?
If I had kids, I would groom them to find these dudes sons and daughters and make sexy time with them.
That would be their task in life.
No Olympians in this family.
Just bitches and ho's...


On a Michelle Williams note, Ms. Thang is currently dating none other then Spike Jonze.
You can read about their love affair aqui.
I totally approve of this.
Spike Jonze was married to Sofia Coppola and dated Drew Barrymore so the dude needs a break from the douchers.



It looks like Slutastic Miller has stopped making friends.
Yes to some this may seem mean and cruel and shitay.
I think walking around with a dirty va-jay-jay and humping every married man who has a weiner proves to be #1 in the bad move department.
My guess was this was done by Sadie Frost (Jude Law's ex-wife) and her team of rich, drugged out, ho's.
This was totally Sadie’s version of toilet papering.



Dudes.
So not to toot my own horn or anything but I so called this like last year!



Picture Side Bar -

Milla and her baby Ever


She looks good and baby looks good and they both make me feel like I hit the wall like 10 years ago.



Not so good?


WTF!
I mean it looks like Meg Ryan and a fish had sexual intercourse and popped out this thing.
Goes to show that nothing good came of your sexy time with Russell Crowe, Meg Ryan. Nothing.



Kate Hudson.
Yes, I loathe her.
But that is beside the point.
Homegirl forgot to take care of business in the armpit department.
Maybe she's sweating out a pregnancy test.
With all the men she has been through this month who knows who the baby daddy is.
Awwww snap!




So Nicole Kidman had a baby like two weeks ago and I call BULLSHIT.
Shenanigans.
No way did this woman, who can barely stand straight due to her lack of food consumption, push out a human being from her pee pee and live.
No way you live Kidman, no way.



Oh. Hi.
I didn't see you there paparazzo.
I was totally incognito with my hufunkingmungous headphones, taking a walk in a very crowded Beverly Hills.
Yeah, that's how I roll.




Jennifer Garner wearing the dress equivalent of Mom Jeans.



I'm out homies..
The Olympics are almost over and I can have some semblance of a life back..


Photos courtesy of US Weekly, OMG, DListed and Defamer.

How Do You Say... Poop?

I'm going to come right out there and say it.
This season's Project Runway sucks big giant hairy donkey balls.
It is mucho, mucho terrible to the tenth power.

I mean just a load of crap.
I am truly, truly vexed folks.
It has been increasingly difficult to muster the wherewithal to write about Project Runway this season.
I just used some big ass words so you know things suck.

The designs are not blowing me away by any means.
There is not one person to like and so, so many to loathe.
Stella needs to burn in leathah hell.
Korto is poo face all. the. time.
Daniel's taste is at the high end of shit.
I want to straight up pull and Ivan Drago and break you Kenley.
Joe is a complete and total ignorant doucher.
Third Person needs to take his ginormous tard of a personality and jog on.
Leanne is lacking anything close to a personality let alone some serious cojones.
Keith reminds me of someone not to leave your children alone with.
Jerell wears a freaking Peter Pan hat, is annoying as hell and designs such pieces of crap that even his model cannot keep a straight face wearing his clown clothes.


The only saving grace is Terri because her designs are pretty descent and her vocabulary is off the freaking hook.
An honorable mention goes out to Blayne, cause he is straight up crazy and knows it, his designs are so bizarre and awful they make me chuckle and anyone who calls Stella a leatha face receives a get of jail free card from me.


Mind you I am not the only one who thinks this season is shit.
Us Weekly interviewed last year's winner and my own personal bodyguard Christian Siriano, on what he thought of this year's crop of crap.
Siriano said, "They kind of annoy me this season! I actually met everyone, and they're all great, but I just really don't know about the clothes this year. Maybe I just need to see more episodes — then I'll really judge!" He added that there's no "Rami, or Gillian [last season's finalists]. I felt like a lot of our cast members were a little more up to par than what I've been seeing, but we'll see! I hope it gets better."


I wonder if maybe this season is purposefully crappy cause PR is moving to the ovary stripping channel next season and they are giving an F U to Bravo.

I am just disappointed that they are giving me the F U too.
I don't deserve this shit Bravo.
You better man up, get some better episodes or I will be peacing out and watching reruns of Michael Phelps and those other dudes rule it in the 4 x 100 relay, cause that shit is for real, real, real, real, real!

Project Runway 5.1

Hola Mujeres..
Season 5 of Project Runway started last Wednesday without excitement or hoopla or Heidi shaking her tatas and giggling at the camera.
Instead we met the designers and their personalities.

Some standouts, in a good way..

- Leanne - a little mousey, a little quiet, but kicks ass in the design department.
Her dresses are pretty radical and if she pulls her personality outta her ass, we got us a winner.

- Kelli - a little retro, maybe a little extra from the movie Crybaby, but proved her chops during the challenge.

- Daniel - a little short, a little too quiet, but he can make a dress outta plastic cups and it looked good today.


Some maybe, kinda, could be okay, but I don’t want to pass judgment yet in case they totally blow it and suck ass..

- Emily - a little too into the Let's Get Physical video wearing a rope bandana on her head that made me wanna vomit.
But, she could totally grow on me even though during her intro, we never saw her designs and that could = caca for Em-dog.

- Keith - a little creepy, a little loves Heidi too much, but he made a nice dress and I will add him here cause I don't hate him yet.

- Terri - a little, I got nothing on this one, but she made a sweater outta mop heads and I was impressed.

- Wesley - a little this dude worked for Marc Jacobs and that gives him some sort of street cred, so I am giving him three episodes even though he wears really short, tight, shorts that make me think of murfs and possible skid marks.

- Joe - just because he is peacing out after episode five and I don't care either way.

- Kenley - a little on the verge of making me dislike her but I am keeping this generous heart of mine open.

- Jennifer - the least designory looking person on the show.
She did handle herself nicely as she was coming out of the shower to Tim Gunn, so she gets some points there.



Some whom I hope will perish in fiery flames, with Nina Garcia nightmares, and a bad case of explosive diarrhea..


- Blayne - it's a major appliance not a name, or as I like to call him Crack Baby, has smoked one too many doobies and is the bastardization of Spicoli.
His designs suck, he sucks and most importantly his tan sucks.
He will annoy me for episodes to come, as he is the catchphrase of season 5.
I am not the least bit happy about that.


- Jerell - I. Cannot. Stand. Him. That is it, end of story.


- Suede - Remember "The Jimmy Episode" from Seinfeld?
Remember how Jimmy had that awful habit of talking about himself in the third person?
Remember how you would get idiot shivers from Jimmy and would think that there would be no human being, with a shred of decency, that would possibly speak that way?
Yeah, well meet Suede.

- Korto - If this woman would smile and maybe show some sort of, I don't know, emotion, she would not be in the shit pile.
But Korto's got perma poo face and therefore I bid her good day.

Stella –
Um.
Yeah.
This one is a piece of work.
She whines, has gigantic thunder thigh- badonkadonk combo, wears clown pants and her hair is a severe burn victim.
But what it really comes down to is that voice.
The one that keeps you up at night and makes your skin crawl.
Her voice irritates and grates at me, like crabs or gonorrhea.
I hate her okay, plain and simple.


We have met the new crop, we can move on.
The challenge, brought to you by Mr. Fabulous himself Austin Scarlet from Season 1, was a redo of the very first challenge of Season 1, making something using material from New York City grocery store Gristedes.

Shots of the kids shopping and..

Fast-forward to Parsons where most of the designers choose tablecloths as their fabric and Tim is super disappointed, as am I.

Speaking of disappointed, was anyone else when Stella didn't just peace out after realizing that she purchased piece of shit garbage bags?

I wanted her to roll out so bad, but to my dismay, she stayed and pieced together this crap.

Nice Stella.
I say you stick around until episode four and then go down in flames reminiscent of the ones you stitch on the side of those totally nuoriginal piece of crap leather pants you "design."
Leathaaaaaaaaa....


Some people who actually tried...

Winner - Kellie

This was made out of vacuum bags and coffee filters.
Home girl bleached the bags and burned a pattern into the filters.
The boobage area is not my fave, but this girl knocked it out of the park.
So clever and thoughtful and she seems somewhat humble so I give her a serious high five.
For now.


Runner-Up - Daniel

This dress was made out of plastic cups.
Dudes.
The guy went to work, ironed every cup and connected the dots to make a pretty awesome dress.
Daniel and his creativity impressed me and really all that matters is to impress me and make me feel like a winner.
Done and done.


Nicely Done - Wesley

This creation by Wesley totally made up for his clown shorts.

Have I ever shared with you my complete disgust for those who wear loafers without socks + super tight and short, man shorts?
This is like the ultimate insult to my very being.
The complete disregard for dignity runs right up there with being a hippie and so, in closing, Wesley’s outfit made me vomit in my mouth a little.
It was not until I saw his creation that I could look past his utter lack of fashion sense which totally made him resemble Damien of Omen fame.
Anywho, tablecloth + fly swatter = radical and may make me forget his clown pants.


Honarable Mention - Terri
Damn Gina made the top out of mop heads and the bottom out of tablecloth.
I think one could wear this out and feel close to normal.
Plus, Ms. T. is kinda sassy and I think she may be kinda rad so I might pull for her.



The Bad..
Besides Stella, Crack Baby really stepped up to the shitty plate.

WTF?
I mean seriously, right?
Home girl looks like she fast forwarded 50 years and wore her Depends as outer garments.
She looks like a granny who hasn't taken care of business in her nether region, doesn't give a fuck and walks around showing the world her whoha.
It looks like a white cat, which happened to be wearing a pink beanie, committed suicide on her stomach.
Whateves, it's awful and I hope he knows it.


Loser - Jerry

I didn't mention Jerry in the contestant intros cause frankly the dude got kicked off the first round so he can fuck off.
Anywho, this is one big piece of shit, right?
Jerome talked a big game, but in the end his model's face really says it all.
Wear this and you will turn into a retard.




Next week..
Natalie Portman is a judge and some other stuff happens.
Awesome.
See you next time ;)

"What's so cool about my website? Well, I like to think of it like a really rad bridge.."

Please, please check out this website.

And Now, the Moment You've All Been Waiting For

Dudes.
Bradical and Ambrolina had the super twins on Saturday, and lo and behold it was a boy and a girl.
Knox and Vivienne.
Dudes.
Mini-Bradical and Mini-Ambrolina to take over the world.
France totally celebrated like in the Wizard of Oz when Dorothy and the A-Team are leaving the Emerald City to straight murder the Wicked Witch and the midgets are all going ape shit and there's like a parade and ticker tape and glitter and poop.
Um, just like that.
Anywho congrats oh blessed familia Jolie-Pitt..



In even happier news, the new designers for Project Runway Season 5 can be found ovah here.
Radical.
I am pumped.




Oh big, big news.
Jimmy Kimmel finally got wise and broke up with that vajayjay Silverman.
It was mutual but I think Kimmel realized that Silverman was a douche and was totally using him for publicity and really that isn't saying much.
So yeah, total slow gossip night.




WHITE CHOLA WATCH..


Still pregnant...




More photos of Sienna Sluttastic Miller and Balls Getty have surfaced.
This time Sluttastic is on a boat showing the world what made her leader of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee.
Where is that worst case scenario STD I wished upon both of these fools?
Any day now Jesus...





The seriously best news of the day belongs to Katherine Hateable.
Word on the street is that Hateable is about to get the ax in the worst way.. Death by something.
I am hoping that once she loses the role that made her famous - due to her constant bitching and moaning - peeps will start to realize what a complete and total fucktard she is and stop hiring her stupid ass.
So worst case STD for Sluttastic and a serious case of career poocano for Hateable and my work will be done here.




Okay, two more days till Project Runway!!!!
Yeehaw..
See you then,
xoxo

"Hey nerds, guess who has two thumbs, speaks limited French and hasn't cried once today: This Mua!"

Hello!
I hope you all had a faboo July 4.
Fireworks, hotdogs, gossip?


Our dude at Crazy Days and Nights delivered the goods on July 4 by revealing some of his blind items.
Most, to be honest, were crapolla.

The crème de la crème can be found below..


This must have happened about six months ago now. Chicago. In one corner you have a B list actor. Married. For now. A list name recognition. How about A+ name recognition. Anyway, our actor was in town doing some press, making some friends, drinking a little bit. Hey just because it is a kindness doesn't mean that it is going to be lovely dovey. He shouldn't, but he does. So, our actor befriended a few of the waitresses at this particular establishment. One of them came up to him and was talking about how some guy had ordered Cristal or something for his girlfriend for their six month anniversary or something and he then realized he had left his wallet at home. Our actor told the waitress to say that the manager had picked up the bill and our actor paid it. Our actor had such a good time doing that nice thing that he decided to pick up every tab in the place that night. He didn't announce it or scream it because then everyone would have just ordered and ordered. Instead, he spoke with the manager and as each person settled their bill they were told it was on the house and thanks for being such a good customer when instead each tab was actually paid for by the actor. Final bill? About $10,000. Plus tip. He is always a good tipper.

- Ben Affleck



At this point this the only thing keeping this on and off screen couple from that NY teen show together are the cameras and the publicity they get for being together.

- Blake Lively & Penn Badgley


#1 - How about another adventure from our actor from yesterday? Not as interesting, but still fun in a car wreck kind of way. Film Festival. Toronto actually. Yay Canada. Party for the premiere of one of his films. Drinks until he is passed out and his manager carries him to his room. Like I said. Not as interesting but hopefully will provide some insight into yesterday.


#2 - You try coming to work like this actor and lets see how long you keep your job, let alone get lots and lots of ass kissing.

A list film actor. Yes, A-list, no ifs ands or buts. Well, if he had stuck with what made him famous he probably wouldn't have made it to A-list but he adapted. Latest film. Not a great film. First day. Table reading. Our actor showed up for it and was so drunk he could barely stand. No one who was setting everything up would come near him because you could smell him a mile away. He kept stumbling and falling everywhere. Affectionate to everyone. Lots of hugs and kisses. Finally managed to get the actor in a seat. He then started mumbling incoherently and the crews were trying to figure out what he was saying. Then he takes a package out of his jacket pocket...it was a mushed up burrito. He held it up to one of the crew and said "look....what is this?" So she looks and tells him it's a burrito...with chicken...he couldn't comprehend this AT ALL. She went and got him a soda and a sandwich. She was trying to get him into some kind of shape for the reading. It wasn't looking good. Oh, did I mention that he rode his motorcycle to the place? Yeah...good...right? Well, everyone LOVED him...said it was one of his best readings ever...he was brilliant. On and one it went, even though no one had been able to understand one word that came out of his mouth.

- #1 and #2 - Keanu Reeves



This A list film actor. I was thinking about it, but he definitely has opened movies on his own. Action though. That is kind of like women opening a horror film and being called A list. Oh, well, everyone knows him, and when I say know him, you know him. You know, (points eyes)down there. Well seems that our actor is a very generous sort to women on the street who he is attracted to. When he meets someone he likes and likes a great deal, he gives them his card. On the back of the card is a 1-800 number to a credit card concierge with a note that says, "buy something as beautiful and exotic as you... my treat xoxo". There is a pre-set spending limit on the gift.

- Gerard Butler



The summer this B list film actress who I love to rag on as of late was in Shakespeare in the Park, she lived in the building. The building is in Manhattan that was home to many celebs on a permanent basis or just while they were doing a stint in a play or something. So, our actress lived in the building that summer under an assumed name because she didn't want to be bothered. Fine...who cares. No one in the building really cared about famous people living there. There was no mail room at this building, but rather a concierge who gave out mail. All of the mail was in pigeon holes and generally, the concierge knew you and got your mail as you came to the desk. Sometimes there were a few people there so you had to wait. Fine...well, not fine for our actress. Once, while a person was getting their mail and chatting with the concierge for a moment, he got the mail and told the person they had a package in the back so he was going to get it. Before he went to get the package, our actress came up and asked for her stuff. She was told to wait since there was another person there ahead of her. She didn't like that at all. So she said, I can't wait and I want my stuff now. The concierge ignored her. She was so steamed and unfortunately, the person ahead of our actress in line had to ride in the elevator together. She had previously asked the security guard if she could have the elevator to herself. He promptly told her that that is not how things work in the building...but in a really nice way.

- Natalie Portman



Here's another ass. This involves an Academy Award winning actress/supporting actress. The building was set up such that there was a doorway that went from the elevator bank to the hall. One day a resident was going from the elevator to the hall and our actress was going the other way. Well, they didn't see each other and our actress bashed through the door and hit the resident in the head. Ok, mistake...fine...well...not so fine..our actress said "get out of my way." Yeah, not ok. So, the resident told her to watch it because the resident lived there etc etc and the resident thought that our actress was really rude. The woman with her apologized profusely. The resident told her there was NO reason for her to apologize because she didn't do anything. The resident pointed to our actress and said "She's the one who should be apologizing." The resident kept being ignored by our actress while the assistant just kept apologizing.

- Marisa Tomei



On that note, let me reveal another piece of turd, Ryan Adams.
Yes, he’s the dude that totally had a fan thrown out of a concert cause the fan kept calling out for Bryan Adams songs.
Yes, he’s the dude that I abhor, as do most people in the world, and you will too after reading this.
You see Mandy Moore, who I have a great affinity for, began dating le douche about 6 months ago.
Dude breaks up with her and releases a statement to OK! Magazine which can be read below..

"Mandy is one of those genuinely sweet angelic people you wish to meet your whole life. I am grateful for our friendship and how it allowed us both to grow and learn more.

Unfortunately I am allergic to paparazzi and have found the best antidote to that sort of nonsense is staying behind the guitar and typewriter, staying close to my support group of friends and band mates and not engaging in activities that prevent me from taking care of myself or others," he says. "I found the entire speculation and subsequent photographs and intrusions terrifying and only wish to live as normal a life as possible, so that I might always remain punk as fuck AND sober.”


Wait.
Did that dude write punk as fuck?
Is that a typo or did I read that right?
So let me get this straight.
You want the paparazzi to stay the hell away from you and yet you choose to release a statement in OK! Magazine to explain why you ended a relationship that frankly no one gives a shit about?
On top of that, you go a little TMI and reveal that this breakup was done in order to remain sober.
Really?
Last time I checked, the classy way to break up with a person is to say your peace to that person and be done with it.
Not release a statement to a notoriously paparazzi driven magazine and add fuel to the gossip fire by noting that you are trying to stay sober.
This dude gives me douche chills.
If I had five minutes with Mandy Moore, I would cleanse her relationship soul with some serious Some Kind of Wonderful action, mixed with some 16 Candles and a dash of Love Actually.
Mandy, llama me!



Moving on..,
Nicole Kidman and her sperm donor Keith Urban had una bambina on Monday morning.
Was she not just pregnant?
Whateves, maybe this will make her a bit more relatable to the peeps.
I wonder if baby Sunday lost her shit when she looked at her Mom’s face for the first time?
Cause Kidman's looking pretty tore up and I would not be surprised if that kid asked to be held by Dad more often then by Mom.




In other baby news, Matthew McConaughey and his homa had a baby boy Monday night.
Boy's name?
Levi.
Yes, Levi.
Sure the dude could have named the kid something even worse like Bongos or Weed or Drunk Face.
But Levi?
That kid is now forever destined to be hot and dumb and hot and Levi, just Levi.

I would have preferred Drunk Face but that's why I'm not having kids, so, yeah.





Drew Barrymore and that cutie Justin Long have ended their love affair.
This news makes me happy if only that Long won't have to be near Cammie Douchiaz and have that rash rub off on him.
I mean Drew used to be somewhat tolerable until she did those movies with Douchiaz and now she makes me want to vomit.
I'm sure he's heartbroken.
But Justin, dude, look at the bright side, no douche rash from Cammie and to be honest, Drew is starting to look a little, um, well, slow in the face.
She did you a real favor mi amigo.





So, the photo above was taken of Jake G. and Reece W. at a Jack Johnson concert, brought to you by Lainey's Gossip.
Whateves, I still think that my years of "Gay Jake" conspiracy theories will be validated.
But more importantly, the dude is at a Jack Johnson concert.
Jack Johnson folks, nothing even remotely cool about seeing this guy in concert.
Reece has really taken this white bread, conservative, polo and puka shell necklace wearing thing to an extreme.
Again, I feel like vomiting.




Where did this little vixen go?
I mean we could of hung out, talked about whether I should cut bangs or not and gossip about Phillipoo.


Now she's lookin' like the "hip" Mom at church and I am not down..





Did I mention that the new season of Project Runway starts Wednesday, July 16!
Hooray!!
My life has purpose!
Project Runway is totally the fashion god's own personal warrior.
PR is my crack, my Jigga, my Rafael Nadal..



Side bar..

Does Rafa own any other color then white?
I mean he always wears white pantalones del fuego when he plays and kicks ass at the tennis.
He always wears white chonies that I can be seen through his white pantalones del fuego and that he picks outta his sweet Spaniard ass cuando ello juego a la tennis.
Now white trunks.
I guess I'm gonna have to roll out to the Majorca and teach his sweet piece about the color wheel and shit.

Side bar endeth..




Rumor has it the Bradical and Anbrolina’s sacred babes are due next Tuesday.
Have you ever noticed that none of the kids, adopted or birthed, are unattractive?
They are all perfecto in their own way, gorgeous.
Maybe Drew should start hanging out with those kids and lick their tears or whatever to stop the progression of slow face.
Just a thought.




Um.
Mr. Gosling supposedly has a new girlfriend and honestly she looks kinda sloppy.
I'm just sayin’.
The only woman I can tolerate him with is the Gosling.
Otherwise, I bid you good day sloppy.






Dude, White Chola has not popped yet!
Hurry that shit up White Chola!
I gotta know if it's a girl so I can stop you from turning her into a baby chola.
So give that baby an exit scrategy pronto pants!




A while back that piece o' crap Ted C. at E! said that Ben and Jen were heading to the land of divorce.
Now comes this news.
Who knows what to believe?
What I do believe is that JenGar and Reece W. need to stop the madness.
Stop being quitters.
Stop wearing Mom Jeans.
Stop falling into the Gap.
Just. Stop.



I’m out.
A lo me gusta..

Peaces Greases...


**Photos courtesy of People, Just Jared, Lainey Gossip and celebritygossip.net.

I thought it was a joke, I even wrote it down in my diary. Veronica had a very funny joke today. I laughed at it later that night!

Yo,
My homas.
I would like to begin this entry with my Jigga man.
Yes, the HOVA was the headlining act for Glastonbury this year.
Unfortunately that news did not make those with bad teeth, or who you normies call Brits, happy.
One dirty bitch of a Brit who was particularly vocal about his unhappiness was Mr. Noel Gallagher.
For those of you who are saying who the fuck is Noel Gallagher, and I know there are many, Gallagher makes up half of the douche brothers that are Oasis.
To read what was said, click here.
Anywho, H to the Izzo performed and basically kicked so much ass it was straight up retarded.
Best part, his first song was a cover of Wonderwall.
Fab.
To watch just some of the awesomeness and a glimpse at B shaking her thang, click here
There are about eight parts to the show, but watch it, cause as he says, my name is Jay Z and I am pretty fucking awesome.




Que lastima.
Sienna Whoretown Miller is at it again.
Dude, this one is a mother f'ing piece of work.
I kinda want her to get herpes.
She probably already has it, but a girl can wish, so damned hard, that this f'er would get like the meanest case of herpes and maybe, I dunno, her skin would melt off.
Is that wrong?
Don't get me started on that freaking Getty.
I didn't know that dude still existed.
Now I'm not so bummed that he bit the big one in Young Guns 2.
I wish a pox of crabs on that dude and whatever will make it burn when he pees.
Like burn real, real bad.


So you heard that Madonna and that guy that she's married to are heading for splitsville, yes?
People, among other tabloids, are following this life or death story at every turn.
The latest?
Mr. Madonna flew to the NYC to hang with her.
You know, I would totally divorce Madonna too.
Look, she totally ruined my career, made me fat and bloated, didn't teach my stepdaughter the art of waxing and has started to look like a dude.

What happened to the Madonna of Borderline or Burning Up?
What happened to the bad dye job, halfies and dancing her ass, ass off?
If I were Mr. M, I would say hasta la pasta to Like a Virgin and hello to Guy Ritchie, the dude the world forgot existed.
Cause honestly, I think I see wiener and that = no me gusta...

Truth be told, I think this is all publicity stunt for Mr. Madonna's new movie coming out entitled RocknRolla.
You can check out the preview here.
This one is supposed to resurrect his career.
I wonder how he's going to resurrect his balls from Madonna's man hands?




Dudes.
Rose McGowan dumped Robert Rodriguez on his hiney.
Nice.
.
I think he finally took that cowboy hat off in mourning.
Let us walk through what he did wrong shall we?
Rose had an affair with the dude, dude dumps his wife and their sixteen children, dude puts her in all of his movies, movies tank, dude can't get funding for his new movies which happen to have her as the star, she gives him the finger and basically his life becomes a giant poocano.
I believe that this is one instance when a poocano is a good thing.
Just because your wiener thinks she's a super special actress doesn't mean the world does.
So.... um... way to go douchey magoo.




According to US Weekly, Naomi Watts and Cotton Weary are knocked up.
....
Really, who cares right?
I mean Cotton hasn't done anything fabulous since, well, Scream 3.
He is playing Sabretooth in the new X-Men film, but I am not going to get all nerd alert on you so...jog on.
Watts has been playing downtrodden women who have sex with the Edward Norton cause they have to.
Plus she will always be Nicole Kidman’s BFF and when you have that train wreck as a BFF, your actions are pretty much null and void.
So...congrats to those two, I guess.



Speaking of babies..
Angelina is straight up at the hospital, in Paris, ready to bring two new blobs into the world.
Great.
I'm on the edge of my freaking' seat, waiting for two more beautiful, rich children.
Can't wait to be chocked full of hate and envy for more two year-olds.
I'm super pumped.



Um.
Best. News. Ever.
RAD.



Photo Side Bar -



Um, hi Liv.
My fakey BFF and her half sister Chelsea attended the Givenchy show in Paris.
Dude, who knew Steven Tyler could make more then one good-looking kid?
Side Bar:
Liv turned 31 yesterday and I swear there was a freaking rainbow that stretched from Paris to my house.
The rainbow gave me a high five and straight up told me I was the coolest.
Thanks Liv, but it is you who are the coolest.
xo




So let me get this straight.
I am going to dump my attractive, charming, chamilllionaire wife and super cute kids to be with this hippie tub town who happens to be wearing my Mom's moomoo.
Seriously right?
I mean, come the fuck on.
A herpes pox on you Phillipoo.




Well aint that a bitch!
Fangerton wearing my main man Obama's pin on her geeross, vampiro, hipster shirt.
I bet Obama felt the cold hand of death, wrapping around his hott looking heart, until Fangerton removed that pin from her dirty, nasty, crappy boobs.
I despise her.
A stake through your heart Fangerton.



Retardalba.
Velour sweat pants.
Thunder thighs.
Today was a good day..




Okay kids, have a fabulous July 4.
Be prepared because the super awesome dude at Crazy Days and Nights will be revealing his blind items and it is going to be balls to the wall..

Peaces Greases..


***Photo credit to Lainey's Gossip, People, US Weekly and Crazy Days and Nights.