We open with Mohinder Suresh giving the low down as to what happened last season.
A recap of the best of the best plays out with Mohindog explaining that destiny brought together extraordinary people who saved the world.
These peeps live in the shadows and he questions how and what will bring them into the light.
Whateves.
Mohindog looks hotter then I remember and we now have a montage.
I needed a montage and I got it. I missed you Heroes.
Flash forward to Mohindog, who is speaking to a non-existent crowd about the evolution of our species.
He explains that there are special people out in the world who have special powers.
Then he lays out the first bombshell.
It seems that in the last four months, Mohinder has discovered a virus that strips these unique individuals of their powers and leads to their death.
It's a plague people.
Then, blah, blah, blah, global warming and finito with the presentation.
But not without Ned Ryerson entering the room.
SIDEBAR:
Dude, That's right, I said Ned Ryerson. Groundhog Day's Ned Ryerson. Let me refresh your memory.
"Hil? Phil? Phil Connors, I thought that was you!
Phil: Hi, thanks for watching.
[Starts to walk away]
Ned: Hey now, don't you tell me you don't remember me 'cause I sure as heckfire remember you.
Phil: Not a chance.
Ned: Ned... Ryerson. "Needlenose Ned"? "Ned the Head"? C'mon, buddy. Case Western High. I did the whistling belly-button trick at the high school talent show? Bing. Ned Ryerson, got the shingles real bad senior year, almost didn't graduate? Bing, again. Ned Ryerson, I dated your sister Mary Pat a couple of times until you told me not to anymore? Well?
Phil: Ned Ryerson?
Ned: BING!
Phil: Bing.
SIDEBAR ENDETH
So Ned follows Mohindog outside and we come to find out that Ned has basically been stalking the Suresh, works for The Company and offers the M-dog a job.
Cut to Maya and Alejandro from San Cristobel Honduras.
They are running away from the popo, the five-o, the fuzz.
First thing I notice is Maya has got some junk in the trunk and she loves the lord. I deduced this by her gold cross bling hanging from her neck. I know, I know, I am wicked smart.
Come to find out these kids are brother and sister, fleeing the country to go the Estados Unidos by Tuesday.
Also according to a Wanted poster, which, by the by, makes Alejandro look like he likes the eyeliner and Maya look like the brother of the brother and sister team, are murderers.
Nice.
Next Issue.
Claire Bear and OMD (HRG) are walking through her new school.
Claire complains.
Wah.
OMD, cause he totally is Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark to me folks, is positive as always.
He is so badass. Badass OMD.
BA OMD. Keep with the acronyms people; I ain't got time to bleed.
Background on Claire, now a junior at a new high school, in a new town and the familia Butler, not Bennet, has to keep things on the DL.
BA OMD explains that Claire has to act like she ain't nobody especial.
Don't raise your hand in class and don't try out for cheerleading.
Claire proceeds to class but not before she almost gets run over by Ben Wekselbaum from the movie Rocket Science.
If you haven't seen Rocket Science, you haven't missed a damn thing.
But this kid was in it and I shall now refer to him as Ben until he is given a proper name.
They check each other out, Claire says she's sorry, Ben gives her poo face.
Cut to BA OMD giving Ben the look of love, that's the look, that's the look, the look of loooove. Look. Of. Love.
Actually, the steely look of death.
Moving on to Hiro Nakamura.
Lands in some field.
Japanese warriors.
Eclipse.
Saves Takezo Kensei, the hero from his childhood by teleporting to another field.
Quick cut to my main man Matt Parkman. Or Sean Blumberg from TV’s Felicity.
Anywho, Parkman looks good for having been shot nine times. Nine times? Nine times.
Actually four. But whateves.
Parkman is in the midst of hostage negotiations.
He busts into the apartment, shoots some folks.
Parkman then uses his super power to pick out who the true hostage is and shoots the other non-hostage.
This was a drill. And only a drill.
Parkman we find out, now lives in the NYC and as of this episode becomes a New York detective.
Nice work P-dog. Nice work indeed.
Back to the Claire Bear.
Um. She looks kinda haggard.
But I digress.
In chemistry class Ben walks up as Claire proceeds to burn the flesh off of her hand on a Bunsen burner.
Nice try at the incognito, CB. You don't deserve to be BA OMD's daughter. I do. I do!
Ben introduces himself as West and asks CB if she is one of them or one of the others.
Claire gets all wonky.
Chemistry teacher asks, "In the struggle of survival it is the fittest who win out at the expense of their rivals."
Who said this?
Darwin.
Bingo.
Bravo Claire for writing it down on your notebook.
And bravo to the writers for throwing that little evolutionary clue to us nerds who lurv them some Heroes.
Ben is disappointed at Claire for not answering the question.
You got her all wrong Ben. Or West. Or whatever.
Maya and Alejandro meet up with a coyote to drive them across the border.
A coyote for you non-NPR listeners is a human smuggler, also known as pollero who takes money to smuggle folks across the border.
The coyote is all up on Jesus Junk in the Trunk's grill and she ain't having it.
Maya and Alejandro climb in the back of the truck with the other folks who will soon parish in some river.
I am going to speed the next couple of parts up jackrabbit style in case you are getting bored.
Parkman picks up Poltergeist Molly at school.
Yes, Molly the seer of evil doers from last season.
She irritates me.
I know she's like eight or whatever but she does.
Molly is drawing creepy crap in school and falling asleep.
Teacher is worried and attributes this to Parkman's subsequent divorce.
A Ha!
Divorce.
Nice.
I am kinda glad that he divorced that woman.
She was lame.
And unnecessary.
However you know that his kid is going to come back at some point and screw with the plot line.
Mark my words dudes.
Ando and Mr. Sulu drink some coffee and talk about the loss of Hiro.
You see these two fine gents have not seen Hiro in, you guessed it, four months.
Ando thinks he's dead.
Mr. Sulu has faith.
By the by Ando, you are lookin fine. Damn Gina.
Mr. Sulu read the paper.
A picture of him floats out of it with a red helix on it.
It's like an F with a tail and some wings.
According to Wikipedia, this symbol has been used throughout the series.
I haven’t seen it.
I guess I'm not a super nerd after all.
Sulu tells Ando that this is a sign.
In 24 hours, Mr. Sulu is straight up dead.
Angela Patrelli, or as I like to call her Your Momma's a Ho, stands in Peter's apartment, fondling his picture.
In walks Nathan.
Totally disheveled.
I mean grizzly man beard and a thermal.
Tore up.
Drunk.
Your Momma's a Ho blames him for Peter's death.
Nathan believes he's still alive.
Your Momma whines that Nathan drove everyone away.
His wife and kids.
If he had followed the original plan, Peter would have been alive and the world dead.
Good trade.
Fight ensues.
Your Momma walks out into the hall to find a photo of her with the red F on it for fuck you, someone is going to straight up murder your ass in 24.
Hiro is back in Japan and finds out the dude he saved was not his hero but a decoy.
The real Takezo Kensei is non other then the freakin hott dude from Alias.
And he deserves the two tt's.
HOTT.
This is exciting.
Cause he's hott.
Back from commercial.
BA OMD has a douche for a boss at some Kinko's.
You know BA OMD is going to go Richter on his ass at some point.
Ned Ryerson and Mohindog have lunch and discuss The Company.
Ned is worried that the virus will spread to the normies.
Ned tells Mohindog that they need him and his research to find the special kids and save them.
Mohindog says that would be expensive and Ned turns a spoon into gold.
I bet Phil Connors wants to be Ned's bestest friend right now.
Parkman brings pizza home to Poltergeist Molly.
She complains a lot.
Stuff like, Parkman not cooking and using his gift to get him his new job.
That job is paying for your ass Poltergeist Molly.
Come to find out that Mohindog and Parkman are taking care of Molly. Together.
Bow Bow Bow Bow. Owww.
Mohindog and Parkman domestic partnership.
Or not.
Anywho, Parkman asks Molly about the pictures and she goes ape shit on his ass.
Dude. She's eight. She scares me.
I thought I said I would jackrabbit this.
Okay, Jesus Junk in the Trunk and brother are separated because of the coyote getting all pissy and wanting more moola.
Claire Bear wants to prove to the dipshit cheerleaders that they can't mess with the nerds by pulling of an amazing cheerleading stunt from way up high in the sky.
She ends up not doing it much to the dismay of Ben West.
Poltergeist Molly has a crazy dream where the, "bad man" tells her that he can see her.
Maybe in her next dream the "bad man" can tell her that she should stop annoying me and be nicer to those that risk their lives to save her.
Basically eat your pizza and shut it.
Also, tell her that she needs to get her front teeth sized down cause that look doesn't work for anyone.
BA OMD.
The douche manager steps into his dojo and BA OMD regulates.
Nice.
And that is how it is done folks.
Hiro and Hott Shit talk.
Hiro is disappointed because Hott Shit isn't who he thought he was.
Hiro is worried that he may have f'd something up by saving Hott Shit's decoy.
Whateves.
This part of the plot is lame.
Except for Hott Shit.
Mr. Sulu and Your Momma's a Ho discuss their 24 hour death notice while Ando goes to get Mr. Sulu a sword for battle.
Mr. Sulu does not believe that this is a joke.
He thinks that the original Heroes are being picked off because of all of the peeps they murdered.
Meanwhile Hiro and Hott Shit banter some more and Hiro realizes he needs to save some villagers and some dude.
Whatever.
Again, not digging this storyline except for hotshit.
Claire Bear and The Butler by way of Bennet clan sit down to a nice dinner.
Mom, brother, Claire and BA OMD.
Oh and Mr. Muggles.
Geeross.
Each person talks about his or her day.
Claire Bear and BA OMD hide their discretions from each other.
I sit mesmerized at Claire's mom’s mouth.
What is going on there?
Paralysis?
Sure.
But don't make her kiss the dog.
It grosses me out.
She looks like Two Face and her mouth like a woman's kitty cat.
Geeross.
BA OMD gets a phone call.
It's Mohindog.
He says The Company bought him hook, line and sinker.
BA OMD says thumbs up and they will bring The Company down together.
Alejandro tracks down the coyote's truck.
Everyone is dead, blood seeping out of his or her orifices.
Jesus Junk in the Trunk is crying.
She killed them and didn't mean to.
Tear.
They get in the car and drive to the US.
Nice.
Cause we don't need another hero.
We don't need to know the way home
All we want is life beyond
Thunderdome
Oh, and to stop making people bleed out their orifices.
Claire Bear calls Grizzly Bear Patrelli.
She needs someone to talk too.
Grizzly Bear says he aint it.
He gets of the phone.
He looks in the mirror and what looks back is a burnt version of either Peter or Nathan.
I mean half of his face is mutilated.
Hair burnt off.
Face all Freddy Krueger style.
What was that all about?
Thoughts..
Meanwhile, Ben West is peeping at Claire through her window.
But get this Ben is hovering.
He flies.
Did you see that coming?
I did.
I did.
It's the final countdown.
A dude in a hoodie takes down Mr. Sulu by pushing him over the edge of a building just as hot Ando shows up.
Irish dudes open up a giant storage container to reveal not iPods but a half naked Peter MF'n Patrelli.
Dude.
Did dudes go on summer hiatus and get hott with two tt"s?
Cause MF'n Patrelli looks good today.
Anwho, MF is tied to this container and does not remember who he is or how he got there.
But he does have a gold F helix thingy on a necklace around his neck.
So he got hott and some bling.
Awesome..
The End.
Next Week.
A long ass recap and hopefully some more hott dudes.
If you missed any part of it..
2.1VERDICT:
Gary, my orange wonder of a cat, gave this episode his butt hole.
This means that it was good but not great.
I felt the same.
Olive, my sweet gata, could have cared less.
