Tuesday, July 14, 2009

We're going to need a bigger boat..

So sharks kinda freak me out.
I watch Shark Week with my feet up on the couch. I watch Jaws for the sole purpose of confronting my fears.
So this fine day, I happen to be reading Gawker and stumble upon this little tidbit of info.
I fucking knew it!
Dude. Serial Killers. Sharks of the world unite and take over. It's like their telling the world that their 4 4 will make sure that all your kids don't grow.
Bitches man. All of em.

Look at him, mocking me.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Caca Poo Poo Pee Pee Shire

Hola Homies.

I have purposefully not commented on the Academy Awards because honestly, they were pretty blah.

I did like the former winners of best actor/actress honoring each individual nominee and then welcoming the winner into their fraternity/sorority.

I loved me some Marion Cotillard cause she is cute and French.
She has a little girl voice that does not annoy me because she actually speaks this way.
This is not some put on voice that folks use when speaking to a baby and/or their boo and/or an animal.
You know the one, cause you have used it, don’t lie.

Plus she looked lovely.




If I were hyperactive breather Kate Winslet, I would have chosen not to pose with Maid Marion.
Girlfriend is dope and makes Winslet look old and frumpy.
Or maybe it was the freaking Mother of the Bride dress that Winslet wore?
Either way, you chose wrong Winslet.

My man Jackman did a pretty good job.
A little too song and dance for me, but I dug him.
Helps that he is hot and talented.
Also, he is freaking' Wolverine.
I mean shit man, have you seen the preview for that movie?
Or this picture?

No, not that one!
Ha! What a total goober, no?

This one.

Yeah, me likey.


I was bummed that Mickey Rourke did not win and Douche Penn did.
I mean, to be real, real, real, real real, real, this was to be Rourke's last chance at an Oscar.
It was like The Wrestler was an autobiographical documentary of Rourke's messed up life of too many drugs and too many Chihuahua's.
Oh, and too much plastic surgery.
So much in fact, that his face has melted onto itself to the point where I cannot distinguish between Rourke and Wayne Newton fish.
Observe.





Reece Witherspoon’s dress made her look like a burned out Ice Capades dancer.
What the f' was this?

Compared to this?


Aw hell to the no.
Dude, you are dating Jake G.
Even though I, and a good percentage of the world, thinks you are his beard.
Show up Reece.
Stop looking like you have mom jeans underneath that abomination.


I dug the vintage dress worn by Penelope Cruz.


The dress made me happy and brought back memories of cotton candy.
Except that this cotton candy was white and really, really old.
Probably smelled like moth balls.
Ew.

Moving on..


Of course Halle Berry was a fox.

Have you seen her baby?

I mean honestly.
That kid is too pretty for words.
Well I don't have words to say because I have stuffed my face with Oreo's in despair over a mere baby who is like ten times better looking then me.
You are not making me feel good Berry.


Moving on..

Anne Hathaway did not win anything and I can say hallelujah.
She did some dance number with Hugh that made her look like the drama geek she is.
Keep singing and not eating sister.
Me-ow.


Evan Rachel Wood looked washed out and tore up.

She did spend the day with Manson, or so I've heard, so that could explain it.

My biggest complaint?
Freaking Jennifer Aniston.
Dude.
You are on the grandest stage, with all eyes on you and what you are wearing.
Because of course, your ex-husband and his hot piece of a girlfriend are going to walk the red carpet and look AMAZING.
Witness.


So what do you wear and who do you bring?



Um.
First, what the hell with the dress?
It looks like something an 80-year-old Cougar would pick up at Cache.

Second, is that a braid in your hair?
You are a classy, older lady.
No braids Aniston.
I know you are a gigantic hippie, but there is a time and a place for that and it was not on the red carpet.
Wait. There is no place for hippies.


And you brought John Mayer?
Really?
Come by yourself next time cause this dude is doing you no favors.
I mean he makes obnoxious faces when he plays his guitar, makes false and embarrassing comments about his sexual prowess and is BFF with Pete Wentz.
Yes, that Pete Wentz. The one that married it and is often mistaken as a hobbit who over shares.

So, in summation, this years AA's were whatever.
Some of the speeches were good, no one looked too awful and I was bored to tears.
What was the upside to this snooze fest?
No Diablo Cody.
Freaking BONUS!

Friday, February 6, 2009

Make me a bicycle clown..

So Christian Bale went all Joan Crawford on some poo poo dude on the set of Terminator Salvation, which everyone heard, commented and made fun of, and then made the next logical step and re-remixed the tantrum.
And then.. Christian Bale called into the Kevin and Bean show on KROQ in LA to say he had a bad day.
Yeah, no and then.
So this was semi-cool but still.
Look, I have had a hard-on for Bale ever since Empire of the Sun, where I dreamed he would look past my Ozzy Osborne hair, headgear and lack of boobage.
But now I am kind of over him.
He is super high maintenance.
Bale is that "actor guy."
You know the one who takes himself and his "craft" way too seriously?
Dude.
No mi gusta anymore.
And you know what CB?
I don't like your Batman voice, or your strange capped chomper lisp or the obvious bullshit that was Harsh Times.
Harsh. Times. Was. A. Peace. Of. Diarrhea. Homes.
Yeah, that's right Bale, I am just not that into you.

Peace.

Let us play separated at birth...

Nelly Furtarded..


Jude Law in drag for a new movie..


Am I right?

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Keyser Söze

you remember that time when I totally went method actor, smoked crack, blew some guys and you couldn't keep me off the pole?
And the answer to your question is yes, that was method acting..
whatever

Monday, January 19, 2009

It was all a dream, I used to read Word Up magazine..

Brief tidbit on the epic fail that is Joaquin.
So word is the JP has asked Sean Combs to produce his rap album.
This explains why they were hanging out in Florida.
Still no word on why the banana clip but whateves.
In an attempt to ruin himself even more then he already has, JP performed his rapping antics in front of people.
Actual real people.
Once he finished, JP falls on his ass, literally.

A lot of folks think this whole bye good to acting and hello failure to a rap career is a joke.
Like Casey Affleck is not filming a documentary on the downfall of JP but instead a mockumentary.
Like they will release this at Sundance next year and everyone will laugh, give bro hugs and rainbows will shoot outta people's asses.

I cannot jump on this bandwagon and call shenanigans on this theory..
Fact - Joaquin is bat shit crazy.
Fact - Casey Affleck is not that funny.
Fact - Casey Affleck is not that funny.
Fact - They both are tools.

I think Casey Affleck is filming this to show Joaquin what a complete ass he has turned into and to remind him that he can stop the madness.

But that may be giving Affleck and his bitch face of a wife more credit then needed.

Anywho, watch the video and decide..
Witness....

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Um, actually, my lip, that's a cold sore. And I've never had a cold sore before, so I cried.

Hello friends.

I needed to take a breaky-poo in order to digest the Golden Globes and Drew Barrymore's hair.
Yeah, WTF indeed.



First let me say that I really like the dress.
However, in this situation that's like me saying she has a really great personality but her face is ass.
I mean this bitch was on some serious drogas cause she was all jittery and giggly and plain old stupid.
Stupid enough to stick her finger in a light socket and fry the shit outta her hair.
I don't dislike the Barrymore.
I just don't like her that much.
It seems that her BFF Cameron Douchiaz is not too happy with the DB either.
Lainey, the queen of overexaggeration, had this little tidbit of info.
Do I believe it?
Honestly, I think these two bitches have just finally gotten as sick of each other as I have of them.
How could you not?
One talks like a baby 90% of the time, bangs eighty dudes at once and is not all there in the acting department.
The other is a complete idiot who can't act her way outta a paper bag and has a face that looks like it was hit by a pan or thrown into a vat of chemical waste which in turn made her into Batman's arch-enemy.

Oh, and the Douchiaz wore this..

No Me Gusta.
It's like the same f'ng dress she wears to every event cause she is too f'ng high to realize that it is the same fucking dress she wears to every event.



Likes and Dislikes?

Tracy Morgan was fabulous.

As was Tina Fey.

As was Sacha Baron Cohen, who was way too funny for those holier-than-thou phony bolognas.

Happy for the Slumdog.

Kate Winslet.
I have always liked her and she looked fabulous.


But after some thought, she annoyed me a bit.
With the first win she basically was like, yo, I deserve this shit and you haven't given it to me, so here is my middle finger and I told you I was awesome so suck it.
To some degree she was genuine with the second win but she basically laid out her not so secret love for Leo, which was kinda sweet but awkward and her husband was kind of like there to witness the whole thing and make me more uncomfortable.
I felt like I was watching something that I shouldn't have and it made me feel weird.
Like that one time when this dude, who I always thought was a gay but was married, got really drunk at my homas wedding and pretty much eye fucked every dude in the room and then some.

Moving on..
Happy for that crazy fucker Rourke.
He kept it real and I dig that about him.

Liked Sandra Bullock, she was clever and funny and one of the best dressed of the evening.

I kinda wanted to do something with her hair though.
I also would have liked to tell her to stop doing romantic comedies but remembered that she was not that hot at dramatic films and so I didn't.


Ricky Gervais was good times.

I love me some Danny Boyle. Totally teary eyed when he was talking about his kids.


Um, Sally Hawkins = PJ Harvey = eat something to stop your teeth from taking up half your face.



The Boss never ages and his wife is too cute.

So happy Mama Mia won nothing and neither did Hathaway. I spit in her general direction.

Steven Spielberg was a bore.

Colin Ferrell went on and on and on for. way. too. fucking. long.

Douchiaz and Say Hello to Your Mutha for Me. Ugh, I loathe you both. Hate you both and your faces.

Emma Thompson and Dustin Hoffman.. awkward.

Thought the Heath win was deserved and Christopher Nolan was on point but the video clip and golf claps from folks was way annoying and self serving.
Half those fuckers in that room shared some sort of drugs with that dude or supplied it to him, so, yeah, jog on.

and finally..

dude.
really?
really?
My homa Nichole made a great call on this ho but after seeing the photos again I totally forgot cause this is just plain shit.
Shit.
Cannot say anything more.


Oh, one more..
I will put my complete and totally dislike of Evan Rachel Wood aside to say that she looked fabulous..


nothing more..


Except Pineapple Express was awesome. Yes, I am totally late in the game but whateves.
Danny McBride is my hero.
The new freaking judge on Top Chef, British food critic Toby Young, is a complete and total schmarmy tool who takes his nonsensical analogies to the extreme and is and will always be friendless.
Oh, and The Screen Actors Guild Awards will be televised on January 25 and we will keep it real until then.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Stay gold, Ponyboy.

Word.

Folks it is a new year, a new start and a new me.
For reals, you ask?
No.
Same shit dudes, different day.

I do wish that Joaquin Phoenix would have had that conversation with himself this year and had in fact decided that hells yes, it is time for a new start.
Once he reached this epiphany, he would then promptly call me to discuss a possible intervention.

But, alas, it is not to be.
No, Joaquin has decided to take his fucking circus sideshow freakathon on tour.
Spotted this time around in Miami, Fatty is found hanging out with the biggest dumb fucks on the planet, Sean Combs and Brett Ratner.
I refuse to call the former of the two tools anything but his freaking given name and none of this bullshit AKA stuff.
Moving on..

Behold, the end of a once beauteous man whom I thought very fondly of and at one time would have considered carrying his babies.







Let us dissect each and every one of these photos, shall we?

First off, Casey Affleck, Sean Combs and the artist previously known as Joaquin Phoenix before his stomach ate him.
What the hell are these three doing together?
Yes, I know that Stupido Affleck is helping film the train wreck.
But Sean Combs?
He looks like he has seen the devil in Joaquin.
Possibly because Joaquin is the devil and straight up told Sean Combs that his soul was nearly not worth enough and that killing Big Poppa was a huge mistake as the rap community and this here blogger miss his music genius.


I don't understand how Casey Affleck, who is married to Joaquin's sister, thinks that this new Joaquin transformation is going well.
Like does he look at Joaquin and think, gee this dude looks better then he has in years, and I for one am jealous at what a gigantic fat fucking lard ass drugged out, comatose shell of a man he has become.
Fuck you Affleck, I hope your career goes the way of the dinosaur.
Literal translation, like your brother Ben's.
Zing!


Next, Affleck, Grasso and Brett Ratner.
Dude, I am beginning to think these photos were taken in hell.
Ratner?
First off, get some Soul Glo for that shit ass jheri curl homes.
Secondly, what has that dude ever done but ruin filmmaking, take food from babies mouths and make me wish I were God's own personal warrior so that I could take that fucker out.


Finally.
My man.
Did anyone happen to notice that he is, in fact, wearing a banana clip?
Yes, I will give him props for the banana clip in question being very fancy.
However, I am saddened by it all and the fanciness is only a passing conciliation for the whole package.

Dude what the fuck happened?
Why does he look like he ate a whole family?
Why do his eyes look like they are boring into my soul and then whatever leftovers I have on my plate?
Why did he tag Ratner for the power of the jheri curl?
Is it really that humid in Miami and these two are not within reach of some sort of hair product to tame that shit?
Why can I not lock the Joaquin in a basement, not my own as that would be kidnapping, and replay Someone Saved My Life Tonight by Elton John, over and over and over again until he loses his shit for reals and comes back to me to look like this?



Whateves.
This will all end in sadness.
I will now just look at my Teen Beat pictures of the old Joaquin and say, stay gold Ponyboy. Stay gold forevah.



On a happier note, my favorite over at Crazy Days and Nights has revealed some of his blind items.
The one about Billy Idol and Alec Baldwin/Tina Fey make me muy triste.
The rest are pretty fabulous in more ways then one.
Enjoy and if you would like to read the whole shebang, http://www.crazydaysandnights.net/.
Peaces Greases.



This B list actor and sometime director, now married was once in a highly publicized relationship. While on location in another country the actor found himself in the VIP room of a member’s only gentleman’s club. Rumors swirled about what happened that night and ended up costing his relationship, but the popular guess was second or third base, at best. What really happened was captured on tape by a security camera of the actor, two ladies, and a lot of um let’s say marital aids of all varieties.

When one of the ladies let it ‘slip’ after the encounter that it was all recorded on security camera the actor demanded the tape from the club owner. After several phone calls and exchanges of all sorts the actor left with tape in hand.

But what the actor didn’t know was that the club had made several copies before the actor even knew it existed and he was just one of several actors caught in the same scam at the exclusive anything goes club. The whereabouts of the other tapes are unknown but I’m sure wherever they are, they came at a high price.

Ben Affleck



Even an A lister gets unlucky sometimes. There was some previous discussion whether this individual is actually A list. If he isn't A then he is right on the cusp. Apparently all the women surrounding his table thought he was A list or at least wanted him to think so. Allegedly dating someone everyone thought he was behaving himself except in the drinking department until a model walked by. He immediately ran over to the model and began trying to hit on her. Apparently though she didn't know who he was. When he informed her drunkenly who he was and what he had been in, she said, "I don't really care. Plus if you need to list your accomplishments to get a date, you really have not accomplished all that much." It would have been nice if this had been a quiet conversation, but unfortunately for our film actor the entire group surrounding the table all heard it. Nice.

Gerard Butler




A list actress. Hell, she isn't just an actress, she is also a producer and a very successful one at that. About three months ago our actress was in downtown LA and was headed for dinner. She saw a family that was huddled about 50 feet from the restaurant. Obviously homeless, the dad had a sign while the mom watched their two children. Our actress could have just gone into her dinner, but, instead walked over to the family and started asking them about their life. It was during this that one of her dinner companions also showed up at the restaurant. Through no fault of their own this family was stuck. This actress could have walked away, but instead she canceled her dinner plans, got the family to a hotel and got them some food. Over the course of the next week she found them a place to live, hired the husband for her company, helped the mom get the kids in school and found a job for the mom as well.

Drew Barrymore



Former A list rock singer. Now, just someone we love to sing with at clubs and see in the odd film cameo is going blind.

Billy Idol




Last week, this A list director of some very huge films was shooting his new movie. After work, our director went to a local restaurant (as was his routine) where he picked up two local floozies. After buying them a few drinks and impressing them with his big-shot “I’m a Big Hollywood Director” come-on, our director took the two tramps back to his hotel for a night of debauchery. Little did our director know what he was getting himself into!

Turns out that this pair of hometown hotties weren’t as dumb as our director thought. In fact, there were certified pros, if you get my meaning. (Word has it ugly pros, too – but hey, whattaya want.)

Anyway, flash forward a few hours

Our director wakes up the next morning feeling all kinds of groggy. He discovers his wallet missing, and worst of all – his laptop stolen. On the purloined laptop was reportedly the script to his new movie and several highly secret, ultra-confidential, For-His-Eyes-Only visual FX sequences for the new movie that could be leaked any day now. Not surprisingly, the studio is furious with our director and his utter lack of discretion.

Michael Bay



What film brother/sister duo in an upcoming blockbuster film are having to keep their relationship secret because of fears that the general public will not make the distinction between film and real life?

Robert Pattinson/Nikki Reed




This A list actor who had some serious health and emotional issues last year, but was allegedly on the straight and narrow either doesn't care or had a huge slip over the weekend. At the same party that brought us two blinds from yesterday, our actor managed to consume almost an entire bottle of vodka all by himself. Sweet and very quiet was how the spy described him.

Owen Wilson




Now for something juicier and we will stay at NBC. This time a comedy where the two stars of this hit show used to laugh and get along and just be best pals. Well best pals to the extent people can fake being best pals. However now it is to the point where the only time they communicate is through their lines on the set. The other problem is that other cast members are having to pick sides and if you speak to one, then the other won't speak to you. Yes, these are adults.

Tina Fey & Alec Baldwin




This vegetarian A list rock star has been on and off with his baby mama. She thinks they are on. He apparently thinks they are off as he was off with this former B list actress from a hit television show who loves taking care of strangers in the park.

Anthony Kiedis, Laura Prepon






***Photos from the fabulous Dlisted website and Joaquin Phoenix fansite.