Tuesday, July 14, 2009

We're going to need a bigger boat..

So sharks kinda freak me out.
I watch Shark Week with my feet up on the couch. I watch Jaws for the sole purpose of confronting my fears.
So this fine day, I happen to be reading Gawker and stumble upon this little tidbit of info.
I fucking knew it!
Dude. Serial Killers. Sharks of the world unite and take over. It's like their telling the world that their 4 4 will make sure that all your kids don't grow.
Bitches man. All of em.

Look at him, mocking me.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Caca Poo Poo Pee Pee Shire

Hola Homies.

I have purposefully not commented on the Academy Awards because honestly, they were pretty blah.

I did like the former winners of best actor/actress honoring each individual nominee and then welcoming the winner into their fraternity/sorority.

I loved me some Marion Cotillard cause she is cute and French.
She has a little girl voice that does not annoy me because she actually speaks this way.
This is not some put on voice that folks use when speaking to a baby and/or their boo and/or an animal.
You know the one, cause you have used it, don’t lie.

Plus she looked lovely.

If I were hyperactive breather Kate Winslet, I would have chosen not to pose with Maid Marion.
Girlfriend is dope and makes Winslet look old and frumpy.
Or maybe it was the freaking Mother of the Bride dress that Winslet wore?
Either way, you chose wrong Winslet.

My man Jackman did a pretty good job.
A little too song and dance for me, but I dug him.
Helps that he is hot and talented.
Also, he is freaking' Wolverine.
I mean shit man, have you seen the preview for that movie?
Or this picture?

No, not that one!
Ha! What a total goober, no?

This one.

Yeah, me likey.

I was bummed that Mickey Rourke did not win and Douche Penn did.
I mean, to be real, real, real, real real, real, this was to be Rourke's last chance at an Oscar.
It was like The Wrestler was an autobiographical documentary of Rourke's messed up life of too many drugs and too many Chihuahua's.
Oh, and too much plastic surgery.
So much in fact, that his face has melted onto itself to the point where I cannot distinguish between Rourke and Wayne Newton fish.

Reece Witherspoon’s dress made her look like a burned out Ice Capades dancer.
What the f' was this?

Compared to this?

Aw hell to the no.
Dude, you are dating Jake G.
Even though I, and a good percentage of the world, thinks you are his beard.
Show up Reece.
Stop looking like you have mom jeans underneath that abomination.

I dug the vintage dress worn by Penelope Cruz.

The dress made me happy and brought back memories of cotton candy.
Except that this cotton candy was white and really, really old.
Probably smelled like moth balls.

Moving on..

Of course Halle Berry was a fox.

Have you seen her baby?

I mean honestly.
That kid is too pretty for words.
Well I don't have words to say because I have stuffed my face with Oreo's in despair over a mere baby who is like ten times better looking then me.
You are not making me feel good Berry.

Moving on..

Anne Hathaway did not win anything and I can say hallelujah.
She did some dance number with Hugh that made her look like the drama geek she is.
Keep singing and not eating sister.

Evan Rachel Wood looked washed out and tore up.

She did spend the day with Manson, or so I've heard, so that could explain it.

My biggest complaint?
Freaking Jennifer Aniston.
You are on the grandest stage, with all eyes on you and what you are wearing.
Because of course, your ex-husband and his hot piece of a girlfriend are going to walk the red carpet and look AMAZING.

So what do you wear and who do you bring?

First, what the hell with the dress?
It looks like something an 80-year-old Cougar would pick up at Cache.

Second, is that a braid in your hair?
You are a classy, older lady.
No braids Aniston.
I know you are a gigantic hippie, but there is a time and a place for that and it was not on the red carpet.
Wait. There is no place for hippies.

And you brought John Mayer?
Come by yourself next time cause this dude is doing you no favors.
I mean he makes obnoxious faces when he plays his guitar, makes false and embarrassing comments about his sexual prowess and is BFF with Pete Wentz.
Yes, that Pete Wentz. The one that married it and is often mistaken as a hobbit who over shares.

So, in summation, this years AA's were whatever.
Some of the speeches were good, no one looked too awful and I was bored to tears.
What was the upside to this snooze fest?
No Diablo Cody.
Freaking BONUS!

Friday, February 6, 2009

Make me a bicycle clown..

So Christian Bale went all Joan Crawford on some poo poo dude on the set of Terminator Salvation, which everyone heard, commented and made fun of, and then made the next logical step and re-remixed the tantrum.
And then.. Christian Bale called into the Kevin and Bean show on KROQ in LA to say he had a bad day.
Yeah, no and then.
So this was semi-cool but still.
Look, I have had a hard-on for Bale ever since Empire of the Sun, where I dreamed he would look past my Ozzy Osborne hair, headgear and lack of boobage.
But now I am kind of over him.
He is super high maintenance.
Bale is that "actor guy."
You know the one who takes himself and his "craft" way too seriously?
No mi gusta anymore.
And you know what CB?
I don't like your Batman voice, or your strange capped chomper lisp or the obvious bullshit that was Harsh Times.
Harsh. Times. Was. A. Peace. Of. Diarrhea. Homes.
Yeah, that's right Bale, I am just not that into you.