Monitor Lizardaire- Heroes 2.2

Recap, Recap, Recap...

We open this episode with Hott Pants Hoola Petrelli tied to a chair at Wandering Rocks Pub in Cork, Ireland.
Did I mention how hott Peter is looking tonight. Hott.
Anywho, the Irish dudes are beating the crap outta Hoola Petrelli asking where the iPods are.
The thugs threaten Peter as he cries out that he doesn't know what they are talking about.
He doesn't even know who he is.
Hott, that's who you are.

Cut to Claire Bear's house.
Mom Who Talks Out Of The Side of Her Mouth is cooking breakfast.
Claire Bear is whining about pretending to be a normie and how that will draw more attention.
She bitches to BA ODB about hiding her true self.
BA ODB smiles politely and nods as he thinks about that one time that he saved her life and had to put the whole family in jeopardy because CB is a freak of nature but and all she does is cry about wanting to be a normie and then ODB thinks about maybe straight up murdering her ass but the thought passes.

CB hugs BA ODB and Mom of the Side Talk and exists stage left.
Mom of the Side Talk shows BA ODB the paper.
Mr. Sulu is front and center and splattered on the NYC streets.
BA ODB explains that he knew this would happen.
He gives a plug to Mr. Isaac and shows Mom of the Side Talk a painting of Mr. Sulu splattered.
He says that this painting is one of eight.
Mom of the Side Talk asks what could be on the other seven.
She really does not sell that line.
I don't mind calling her out cause I can't keep from looking at that side lip.
Dude I know I am going to burn in hell for mentioning it but someone has too.


Cut to Detective Parkman atop the building of Mr. Sulu's demise.
Parkman gets the rundown of what happened.
A fingerprint was found on the photo of Mr. Sulu with that F on it.
The print belonged to the mother of the Petrelli brothers, Bitchy Petrelli. Dun, dun, dun.
The Chief explains that Hott Ando witnessed the whole event.
Parkman calls Ando over and they pretend like they don't know each other but I thought they did?
Am I wrong?
Could I be?
Anywho, Parkman asks Ando what the symbol means.
Hott Ando answers that it is a Kanji.
The Kanji in this case means great ability, godsend.
It is the crest of that dude that Hiro is back in the past with.
The hott dude from Alias, Hott Kensei.
Well this is interesting isn't it?
The symbol that alerted Mr. Sulu that he was going to bite it is the crest of the famous Japanese hero Takezo Kensei.
Mr. Sulu used to read the heroic stories of Kensei to Hiro, who is in the past with Kensei now, f'ing up Kensei's chi.
Complicated.
I can dig it.


Cut to Hiro and his lame plot line that better go somewhere fast.
Kensei of the Hott is drunk and needs to go save the Princess.
Seeing that dunking Hott Kensei in a trough isn't making him sober, Hiro puts on Hott Kensei's costume and rides off to save the princess.

Commercial.
Bionic Woman.
She irritates me.
Why do they always play Evanescence when promoting tough lady shows?
Cause I don't equate Evanescence and tough.
I equate Evanescence and lame.

Back to the show.

Claire Bear and West are in biology.
Teacher Snooty Pants explains how lizards can regenerate.
Claire Bear really keeps it on the DL by asking if people can regenerate like lizards.
Kids in class, including new hero West, stare at the freak asking about people regenerating.
The kids, the teacher, me, Olive and Gary all laugh at Claire.
If you expose BA ODB and get him killed I will hunt you down Claire and out cheer your ass.


Cut to Ned Ryerson and Mohindog chit chatting.
Mohindog, thanks to my homa Q, will be known as Raj.
Raj wants all of the access to records and labs of The Company.
Ned says yeyeah and directs Raj to Port-au-Prince.
A man who is there showing signs of the "virus", loss of abilities, weakness and tremors.
Raj has to check it out and see if the virus is now considered an epidemic.
Ned reminds Raj that his blood is the cure to the virus and to try not to die.
Geez Ned, pressure.


Movin on to Junk in the Trunk Jesus and Alejandro.
The kids show up at the door of Nidia who will help them across the border.
Junk in the Trunk Jesus is afraid of jeopardizing lives.
Alejandro says he won't let that happen.
Her ass says it won't let anything happen to her either.


Next up Hott Pants Hoola Petrelli and Caitlin sister of one of the brother beaters.
She cleans up Hott Pants and explains that the Irish dudes need to find those iPods or they are in deep doo doo.
Hott Pants explains that he does not remember anything a la Jason Bourne.
Caitlin tells Hott Pants that she just squeezed out a lot of his blood but he doesn't have a scratch on him. Dun, dun, dun..
By the by, I see a love affair brewing.


Raj is now in Haiti in search of the virus dude.
Guess who the virus dude is?
The Haitian from season numero uno.
Did you guess that?
Are you trying to one up me?
Haitian lays it on the line explaining that he doesn't want the cure to the virus.
He has done wrong by God.
Raj waxes poetic, flips him off and administers the cure.



Back to the twins, Alejandro and Junk in the Trunk.
Yep they're twins.
A healer is in the house where the twins are.
She grabs the hand of Junk in the Trunk.
The healer says that Junk has a new illness that she fears will spread.
Maybe to her ass, I don't know.
Healer goes on to say that Junk also fears herself and that she has black inside her that can kill the devil.
Healer freaks and says Junk cannot be cured and that she is cursed.
Dude, I could have told her that.


Moving on to Hiro as fakey Kensei fights off some Japanese dudes with his powers.
The Princess is stoked.
She would be more stoked if it were Hott Kensei but whateves.


Speaking of hott pants, Peter is trying to get out of his ropes.
Did I mention that the dude is all ripped?
And hot with two tt's?
Hott Pants does a neat trick and the music that sounds like whales singing in harmony plays to signify a use of hero powers.
Meanwhile some dudes that happen into the pub attack Caitlin.
Instead of rolling out, Hott Pants fights the dudes with his hott strength.
Caitlin is impressed.
However Caitlin does not impress me.
She looks like a woodland creature up close and I am not down with the animal people.


Back from commercial West is stalking Claire Bear.
West explains that he is totally into genetics and lizard regeneration and Claire shuns him.
West offers to come over to her house and read a book by some Indian dude that discusses genetics and people evolving.
Claire figuratively gives him the finger and tries to make a getaway in her car which is not in the parking space.
The Heroes music peeps decide to use an old eighties teen movie music bit to signify the gravity of the missing car and have made me very sad.
Very sad indeed.

Hiro and the Princess are chilling out in a field of Cherry Blossoms.
The Princess praises Hiro as fakey Takei.
The Princess is falling in love with Hiro as fakey Takei and vice versa.
Boring.


Raj and the Haitian are hanging with Mr. Cooper.
The Haitian is recovering.
Raj is worried that the virus is running rampant.
He then makes the mistake of telling the Haitian that he should be studied and that Raj works for The Company.
Good one Raj.
The Haitian does his mind eraser trick and Raj finds himself in some hut hanging with Ned.
Ned surmises that the Haitian was cured due to Raj being outta contact for days and chalks up the mind erase to a rookie mistake.
Ned basically told Raj that he fucked up. But in a nice way.


Junk in the Trunk Jesus and Alejandro are being led through the forest for freedom.
I got a bad feeling about this.
Junk in the Trunk Jesus always looks like she smells poo.
Nidia and Junk in the Trunk Jesus run to a gigantor pipe but Alejandro is stuck as the po-po look for illegals.
Junk in the Trunk starts to freak out.
Dude.
Bitch has got black shit coming out of her eyes.
That is her power.
Black, tarry poop comes out of her eyes and she makes people choke.
Nidia is said choker.
I wonder if she is choking on black, tarry poo.
Oh yeah, I went there.
Alejandro gets to Junk in the Trunk.
He sings her a song and then sucks the crap outta her by holding her hands.
Awesome.
Nidia freaks out and leaves them yelling out that Junk in the Trunk is the Devil.
I would too if I just ate poo.

BA ODB and Claire Bear meet at Bizarro Kinko's.
CB tells BA ODB that she forgot to lock her car doors and her car was stolen.
This turns into Claire asking BA ODB if she can use her power to heal people.
CB explains that if she can regenerate maybe her blood can help others regenerate too.
I actually thought that was pretty cool of the CB.
Thinking of others.
BA ODB tells her that he is afraid that if she uses said powers she could get in the wrong hands and will be tested and tortured.
CB pouts as her pops goes back to the Bizarro.


Bitchy Petrelli, the Chief and Parkman are in a room.
Sounds like a joke but I have no punch line.
I'm a joke maker.
Bitchy is being interrogated.
She reveals that she had an argument with Mr. Sulu and that she at one time slept with him.
Geeross.
Parkman asks about the F symbol on Mr. Sulu's face and if Bitchy has seen it.
She answers that this is the logo of her husband's law firm.
Interesting.
So the logo of her husband's law firm is also the crest of Kensei.
Keep up with me folks I am putting the pieces together.
Bitchy answers that she does not know why that is on Mr. Sulu's face.
Parkman is listening to Bitchy's thoughts as she reveals the symbol was really put there because they had done something terrible and now someone wants revenge.
Parkman then asks if perhaps revenge could be the reason?
Smooth Parkman.
Bitchy yells in her head for Parkman to get out of her head.
The Heroes people again use some shitastical music to emphasize Hero usage.
Grizzly Man Nathan Petrelli comes to pick up his Mom.
Parkman and Grizzly banter.
Suddenly the lights flicker on and off and Bitchy starts to scream.
Some invisable persona non grata is attacking her, slicing at her face.
Parkman and Grizzly Man run in to find Bitchy on the floor, crying and cut up like a Mexican whore.


Caitlin and Hott Pants and Mickey brother of Caitlin.
Mickey tells Peter that he f'd things up royally by beating up on those dudes.
Mickey then bribes Peter into pulling off a "job" to make up for the bashing by showing him a sweet box with everything Peter.
Peter gives a steely look.
This means he is thinking.




Hiro and Hott Kensei.
Hott Kensei learns of Hiro as fakey Kensei's triumph.
The Princess enters and gives Hott Kensei his sword.
Hott Kensei thinks to himself,
"When I’m alone in my room sometimes I stare at the wall
And in the back of my mind I hear my conscience call
Telling me I need a girl who’s as sweet as a dove
For the first time in my life, I see I need love."
Hott Kensei is rejuvenated by the lust of the Princess.
He tells HIro that he will now try his best to live up to Hiro's expectations.
But then Hott Kensei is shot by arrows and dies....


Were you scared?
Cause guess what, two seconds later Hott Kensei's wounds heal and he wakes up.
I called that shit seven episodes ago dude.
Come on!
Hott Kensei lives!
He has heroic powers.
Heroic hott powers.


Raj comes home to his domestic partner Parkman and Poltergeist Molly.
As they sleep, Raj gets a call from BA ODB working the late shift at Bizarro Kinkos.
The two go over the day’s events, ending with Raj worrying that Ned will be keeping a closer eye on him and BA ODB telling Raj not to worry that they will find the remaining 7 paintings.
BA ODB hangs up and stares in the eyes of the Haitian. Dun, dun, dun...
That my friend is called coming full circle, the circle of life if you will.
Hakuna Matata.


Claire and Mr. Muggles are watching a dog show.
Mr. Muggles is now in my good graces by being kinda cute.
Claire is painting her toenails.
While doing this activity Claire decides to chop off her pinky toe to see if it will grow back.
Dudes I do that all the time.
With bated breath we wait and magically her pinky toe regenerates.
Great success Claire!
I was totally waiting for Mr. Muggles to eat her discarded toe.
But he didn't.
Lame.
Mr. Muggles barks at the window and reveals West.
He saw the whole thing.
He mouths to Claire, "That just happened."
No, not really.
Claire rushes outside only to find Raj's dad's book.
Mr. Muggles barks at the sky clearly giving CB a freakin clue that West is hovering above.

Fade to To Be Continued...

Thoughts?
Hit me back yo..