BA ODB and I are Kindred Spirits-2.3

And we're back.

So Hottpants Patrelli starts this episode and who wouldn't want him to, I mean really.
The head o' the Leprechauns has offered Peter a box that contains his identity if he helps him and the rest of the potatoe farmers steal a pot o' gold.
Yep, totally dissed the Irish three times in that one sentence.
Sorry.
Anywho, Leprechaun Larry lays out the plan.
Hottpants and the crew are going to steal payola from some bookies.
Peter agrees.
In the meantime, Peter uses Matt Parkman's heroic power and overhears one of crewmembers thoughts of stealing the money after the money is stolen.
Peter confronts the dude and Leprechaun Larry straight up disses his ass.
You see Hottpants Patrelli, Leprechaun Larry says, my crew has special wonder twins activate tattoos.
How can you know my crew, Leprechaun continues, when you don't even know yourself?
Aww Snap!


Alejandro and Maya Junk in the Trunk are running. Again.
Alejandro tells Maya she needs to eat.
Her ass says no. Then Maya says no.
At least drink some water, Alejandro says. You have foot blisters, Alejandro says.
TMI, I say.
Maya whines that they can't stop. Must. Keep. Going.
So Alejandro, being the genius that he is, decides to steal a car and the 5-O is on their tale.
It so happens that the fuzz is kinda a tub of lard and yet he manages to apprehend the Alejandro while Maya and her ass cower in garbage.


Do you remember the Soul Glo commercial from Coming to America?
You know the dude in the commercial?
Actually this might help refresh your memory, Soulglo
Did you ever wonder what happened to him?
I always do and I was pleasantly surprised to see that he is currently playing the character of Micah on Heroes.
So Soul Glo and Niki the Two Face are having a mother and son bonding session at the local cemetery.
Looks like D to the L moved on up to that deluxe apartment in the sky.
Niki the Two Face has decided to drop off Soul Glo with a relative in New Orleans.
That’s right I said, New Orleans with a relative, who happens to be Uhura of the Star Trek series.
Anywho, Niki the Two Face has decided to join The Company in order to be cured of her powers.
Niki calls The Company and Ned Ryerson answers.
He tells her that they will cure her but she must do something for them first.
Once a ho, always a ho.
Am I right?


Enter Sylar.
Nice.
Actually it's Candice and Sylar but Candice isn't Candice from last season she's redheaded ho Michelle from this season.
Candice/Michelle blathers to Sylar that she found him in the local sewer at Kirby Plaza and has nursed him back to health.
Did I mention that Candice/Michelle and Sylar are lying on a tropical beach?
Candice/Michelle sips Mai Tai's with her 80's white plastic earrings swinging in the breeze while Sylar lies back in a lounge chair wearing a Hawaiian print shirt.
Wait, something ain't right here.
Sylar is in a Hawaiian print shirt?
Candice then explains that this is all an illusion and that Sylar really doesn't want to see the truth.
He can't handle the truth.
Sylar growls at Candice/Michelle bring him into the real thing.
Candice/Michelle breaks the illusion and she, Sylar and Sylar's emorific hair are shown in a dingy old bunker with Sylar's stomach all bloody and patched up with gauze.
Awesome.


BA ODB and Claire's house.
Claire asks the ODB what would happen if someone at school found out her true identity.
ODB tells her The Apocalypse would happen.
Claire gets all scrunchy face.
Cut to Claire at school telling Stalker West what one would tell any freaking Peeping Tom who saw one chop off their toe only to have it grow back again. Pedicure.
Stalker West gets all whatever.
Claire's all, what's your deal?
Stalker West's all, I just want you to admit that you are different then everyone.
Um, yeah.

Raj and Parkman get into a domestic tiff over Poltergeist Molly and Raj working in the citayyyyyyyyy.
Parkman gets all; I can't protect you and Poltergeist Molly or her frickin teeth.
Raj is all I can take care of myself and I can help with Molly and her dental hygiene.
Blah, blah, blah next issue.

Ando finds a hidden compartment in a samurai sword that Hiro has left for him.
Inside are teeny tiny scrolls that Hiro has left for Ando letting him know what he's been up to this summer.
I wonder if he used a teeny tiny pen.
Anywho, Hiro tells Ando of Hott Kensei and how he totally blows as a hero and is kind of a scam artist.
I would like to scam on Hott Kensei.
Scam. Totally 80's.
Anyways, Hiro writes to Ando that he is in love with Princess Party Pants and that he is trying to teach Hott Kensei to be a true hero.
More scrolls tell Ando that Hiro left Hott Kensei to fight some serious Samurai dudes now that Hott Kensei knows he can regenerate.
Hott Kensei defeats the Samurai's, wins the love of Princess Party Pants and Hiro decides to stay in the past to pine after the Princess and watch Hott Kensei and the Princess make out.
I would like to stay and make out with Hott Kensei.
Hiro ends his teeny tiny scroll letters with a later skater, KIT and finally BFF.


Next is a brief moment with Hott Petrelli with his shirt off talking to the woodland creature that is Caitlin.
I don't know what they said and it wasn't important.
Peter has a six-pack but needs to stop wearing the flannel.


Stalker West and Claire in class.
Stalker blathers on about lizards regenerating and people regenerating and Claire runs out of the classroom crying.
Stalker comes out to comfort her by showing Claire that he is different too.
So different that Heroes has their first big f'n cheesy moment to commemorate Stalker showing CB that he can fly.
Dudes. It pained me to watch these two flying in the sky.
Pained me.
Talk about a douchey moment.
Claire looking all wow.
Stalker looking all yep, u huh, I can fly.
And then there is me crying alone in a corner with vomit that came up in my mouth a little.


Hottie Boombalottie Patrelli and the Leprechauns.
Money is stolen and the day is saved by Peter who moves a frickin two-ton truck in the way of the Irish fuzz.
If he had had his shirt off and was showin his guns, this seen woulda been a whole lot better.


Raj and Ned Ryerson in Mr. Ballsac's studio.
Ned Ryerson and The Company have turned this doomed loft into Raj's new state of the art lab.
Ned tells Raj that The Company will be keeping a close eye on him to help him with whatever he needs.
Also to kill him if he fucks them over. Ned didn't say that but he really didn't have to.


Maya and her ass come to save her brother.
The tub of lard cop had no idea that he is holding a murderer until Maya shows him the Wanted poster.
Tub of Lard gets the clue and goes to arrest Maya.
However Maya has a few tricks up her ass.
As soon as the cop’s manhandle Maya, she gets all uppity and the black crap starts gettin up in them guts.
All the folks in jail start to ooze the poo out of their eyes and Alejandro is set free.
Alejandro and Maya get all Sweet Valley High and hold hands so that Alejandro can save the day and clear away the shit.
Two interesting things come from this storyline.
1. Maya shows a little evil by purposefully getting herself all riled up to spew the poo.
2. Alejandro's cellmate, who has told Alejandro that he looks like ass, is set free as well and offers to drive the twinners to freedom...



Ireland.
The crew is back with the cash and all is well.
Except for the one dude who tries to steal the money like he said he was going to do.
Peter intervenes and gets shot in the process.
Bullets can't stop his sweet ass and he puts the Jedi mind trick on the bad dudes neck.
Here is the cool thing about this scene.
Peter gets a little Sylar on the dude and would have kept on chokingthe bitch if it wasn't for the woodchuck that is Caitlin.
Nice.
Battling the good and evil.
Friends become enemies.
Enemies become friends.
All with his shirt on.
Damn it Heroes writers!
Make the dude earn it by showing of his sixer.


Sylar and Candice/Michelle.
Candice offers up her illusionist services and the service of those she works for to Sylar.
Oh and world domination or whateves.
Sylar goes agro.
He does his version of the Jedi mind-trick and cuts
candice/Michelle's brain open and goes to town.
Here are the cool things about this scene.
Candice/Michelle is indeed a great big fat person.
Sylar cannot use the powers that he has just ingested as he has done before.
And Sylar is in some metal shack in the middle of the jungle on Gilligan's Island.


Peter, in a wife beater, getting a tattoo from chipmunk that is Caitlin.
It's the wonder twins activate tattoo.
Leprechaun Larry thanks Peter for his services and gives him his box of life.
Peter ponders opening the box cause he's afraid of finding out who he is.
Also, he's freaked due to the fact that he almost straight up murdered someone's ass.
Caitlin the Beaver tells him he's a good soul.
Then she proceeds to knaw at his face.
Oh wait, she's just kissing him.
Meanwhile the tattoo heals quick style.
Is it fading into the F thing that adorns Peter's bling?
Or is that just me?

Stalker and Claire make out on the beach.
Claire notices that stalker has a mark on his neck.
Stalker explains that he was abducted and that he will never forget the face of the dude that took him.
Two words. Horn-rimmed glasses.


Raj is in the lab and gets a free moment from Ned to call ODB.
Raj looks for the next painting in the series that Mr. Ballsac painted per ODB's instruction.
Raj tells ODB that The Company is like white on rice.
ODB tells him to Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Find the painting.
Raj does just that and a look of surprise and consternation comes over his face.
He sends a hi-tech jpeg of the photo to ODB.
The audience sees that those mother-f'ing writers think it's cool to fuck with the ODB and me.
The painting shows a man with a bullet hole through his glasses, bloody and dead and a blonde in the corner making out with some dude in the shadows.
Um basically, if this is supposed to be BA ODB, you can go fuck yourself Heroes.
Cause you cannot roll like that.
Just like Coke, BA ODB is it.
So figure something out and kill off the fricking boring ass Hiro storyline and the Sweet Valley High twins with black shit coming out of their eyes instead of the ODB.
Do it.

Eh hem.
BA ODB stares at the photo with his smooth acting job as Claire takes a cue from her stalker boyfriend and sneaks up on pops.
And then ODB and I Believe I Can Fly Claire have a staring contest.


Next week,
BA ODB lives forever.
Peter takes his shirt off.
Something radical happens cause Heroes is losing its audience big time..