I thought it was a joke, I even wrote it down in my diary. Veronica had a very funny joke today. I laughed at it later that night!

Yo,
My homas.
I would like to begin this entry with my Jigga man.
Yes, the HOVA was the headlining act for Glastonbury this year.
Unfortunately that news did not make those with bad teeth, or who you normies call Brits, happy.
One dirty bitch of a Brit who was particularly vocal about his unhappiness was Mr. Noel Gallagher.
For those of you who are saying who the fuck is Noel Gallagher, and I know there are many, Gallagher makes up half of the douche brothers that are Oasis.
To read what was said, click here.
Anywho, H to the Izzo performed and basically kicked so much ass it was straight up retarded.
Best part, his first song was a cover of Wonderwall.
Fab.
To watch just some of the awesomeness and a glimpse at B shaking her thang, click here
There are about eight parts to the show, but watch it, cause as he says, my name is Jay Z and I am pretty fucking awesome.




Que lastima.
Sienna Whoretown Miller is at it again.
Dude, this one is a mother f'ing piece of work.
I kinda want her to get herpes.
She probably already has it, but a girl can wish, so damned hard, that this f'er would get like the meanest case of herpes and maybe, I dunno, her skin would melt off.
Is that wrong?
Don't get me started on that freaking Getty.
I didn't know that dude still existed.
Now I'm not so bummed that he bit the big one in Young Guns 2.
I wish a pox of crabs on that dude and whatever will make it burn when he pees.
Like burn real, real bad.


So you heard that Madonna and that guy that she's married to are heading for splitsville, yes?
People, among other tabloids, are following this life or death story at every turn.
The latest?
Mr. Madonna flew to the NYC to hang with her.
You know, I would totally divorce Madonna too.
Look, she totally ruined my career, made me fat and bloated, didn't teach my stepdaughter the art of waxing and has started to look like a dude.

What happened to the Madonna of Borderline or Burning Up?
What happened to the bad dye job, halfies and dancing her ass, ass off?
If I were Mr. M, I would say hasta la pasta to Like a Virgin and hello to Guy Ritchie, the dude the world forgot existed.
Cause honestly, I think I see wiener and that = no me gusta...

Truth be told, I think this is all publicity stunt for Mr. Madonna's new movie coming out entitled RocknRolla.
You can check out the preview here.
This one is supposed to resurrect his career.
I wonder how he's going to resurrect his balls from Madonna's man hands?




Dudes.
Rose McGowan dumped Robert Rodriguez on his hiney.
Nice.
.
I think he finally took that cowboy hat off in mourning.
Let us walk through what he did wrong shall we?
Rose had an affair with the dude, dude dumps his wife and their sixteen children, dude puts her in all of his movies, movies tank, dude can't get funding for his new movies which happen to have her as the star, she gives him the finger and basically his life becomes a giant poocano.
I believe that this is one instance when a poocano is a good thing.
Just because your wiener thinks she's a super special actress doesn't mean the world does.
So.... um... way to go douchey magoo.




According to US Weekly, Naomi Watts and Cotton Weary are knocked up.
....
Really, who cares right?
I mean Cotton hasn't done anything fabulous since, well, Scream 3.
He is playing Sabretooth in the new X-Men film, but I am not going to get all nerd alert on you so...jog on.
Watts has been playing downtrodden women who have sex with the Edward Norton cause they have to.
Plus she will always be Nicole Kidman’s BFF and when you have that train wreck as a BFF, your actions are pretty much null and void.
So...congrats to those two, I guess.



Speaking of babies..
Angelina is straight up at the hospital, in Paris, ready to bring two new blobs into the world.
Great.
I'm on the edge of my freaking' seat, waiting for two more beautiful, rich children.
Can't wait to be chocked full of hate and envy for more two year-olds.
I'm super pumped.



Um.
Best. News. Ever.
RAD.



Photo Side Bar -



Um, hi Liv.
My fakey BFF and her half sister Chelsea attended the Givenchy show in Paris.
Dude, who knew Steven Tyler could make more then one good-looking kid?
Side Bar:
Liv turned 31 yesterday and I swear there was a freaking rainbow that stretched from Paris to my house.
The rainbow gave me a high five and straight up told me I was the coolest.
Thanks Liv, but it is you who are the coolest.
xo




So let me get this straight.
I am going to dump my attractive, charming, chamilllionaire wife and super cute kids to be with this hippie tub town who happens to be wearing my Mom's moomoo.
Seriously right?
I mean, come the fuck on.
A herpes pox on you Phillipoo.




Well aint that a bitch!
Fangerton wearing my main man Obama's pin on her geeross, vampiro, hipster shirt.
I bet Obama felt the cold hand of death, wrapping around his hott looking heart, until Fangerton removed that pin from her dirty, nasty, crappy boobs.
I despise her.
A stake through your heart Fangerton.



Retardalba.
Velour sweat pants.
Thunder thighs.
Today was a good day..




Okay kids, have a fabulous July 4.
Be prepared because the super awesome dude at Crazy Days and Nights will be revealing his blind items and it is going to be balls to the wall..

Peaces Greases..


***Photo credit to Lainey's Gossip, People, US Weekly and Crazy Days and Nights.

Well, what I had said was I'm in the math club, uh, the Latin, and the physics club... physics club.

Dudes.
So Jessica Retardalba stopped living in sin and then delivered her husband's meal ticket, Honor.
My Liv and her husband split.
I had minor surgery on what doctors call a "triple nipple" and all is well in the world.

Except if you are Mike Myers.
Entertainment Weekly wrote this article about Myers being a complete and total prick face.
Aww Mike, why?
Why are you a crazy, margarine loving, jealous much, piece of caca?
This makes me sad.

However, not even close to how sad this blind item makes me, cause you totally know who it is.
Dude.
Your son is beyond hott.
Your career is in super awesome overdrive.
Most importantly, you are the mayor of rad town.
Why in the hell would you want to go back to breaking into people's homes, sleeping in their kid's teeny tiny bed, smelling of poop, herpes and broken dreams, only to be sent to jail to get ass raped?
If this is blind item is true, I'm going to deny it for RDJ cause I love him too much.


In other not so blind item news, the New York Daily News had this blurb the other day:
“Which starlet with an often-troubled boyfriend actually plays for the other team — and puts up with her boy toy's habits to maintain hetero appearances?”
Then Crazy Days and Nights wrote this little ditty about Anne Hathaway.
So what am I trying to say?
Anne Hathaway likes Italian schmucks who enjoy stealing money and looking like he's 45 when he's 29 and maybe, just maybe, likes the lady parts.



Some lady parts Hathaway could be into, are those of the ladies embroiled in this nasty bit of gossip.
Looks like Jennifer Aniston has been drinking the John Mayer Kool-Aid and become a complete and total doucheorama.




Speaking of whore faces, Sarah Larson is now single and showing the world her wicked smarts.
What a fabulous, fabulous, piece of work.
Thank the G that the Cloonster wised up before the ho got knocked up and named their daughter Honor.
Oh, I went there.




Giselle is on the cover of GQ and again she makes me want to throw up that whole bag of Baked Lays I ate for dinner.
The article is all about how Leo broke her heart and how Tom Brady is, well, whatever.
Sorry Tommy, Leo is in Giselle's heart por vida.

I know how you feel Giselles, Leo will por vida be in my heart as the lovable retard who could shimmy up a water tower like nobody's business..



Speaking of retarded, Katherine Fucktard Heigl has struck again.
Chickenhead called out the writers of Grey's Anatomy for not giving her decent enough material too work with this season and as a greater fuck you, took herself out of Emmy contention.
Dude.
Why won't this chick remove herself from the vicinity of my area?
I wish someone would pin her down and crap in her face.
Well, I guess somebody is a bit classier then me, and wrote an open letter in New York Magazine to tell Heigl to check her bratitude.
It may not be literal poo but the lady still straight up shit in Heigl's face and that is all I could have asked for.





Picture Sidebar -


Number two on my Shit List is now dating Lance Armstrong.
I think the Tour De France should strip Lance of his trophies for dating this ho.
Lance, I bid you good day.



Do you feel douche chills?
Number four and five on my Shit List together at last.
It's like wonder crap activates in the form of dirty, shitastic hippie and anorexia, poo face.
If that Giselle photo doesn't make me barf, this just did.


Um, I C Weiner..






Bilson before her lapse in clothing judgment and after, looking pretty faboo.



Have you seen Natalie Portman and her dirty, stinky, drum circle loving, boyfriend of a hippie Devendra Banhart?


I bet that dog thinks Devendra's crotch smells like hot dogs.



I'm out friends.. I will leave you with this question, what kind of person applies for a job at Medieval Times?
Peaces Greases..

**Photos courtesy of http://www.laineygossip.com/, People, US Weekly and Just Jared.