Brief tidbit on the epic fail that is Joaquin.
So word is the JP has asked Sean Combs to produce his rap album.
This explains why they were hanging out in Florida.
Still no word on why the banana clip but whateves.
In an attempt to ruin himself even more then he already has, JP performed his rapping antics in front of people.
Actual real people.
Once he finished, JP falls on his ass, literally.
A lot of folks think this whole bye good to acting and hello failure to a rap career is a joke.
Like Casey Affleck is not filming a documentary on the downfall of JP but instead a mockumentary.
Like they will release this at Sundance next year and everyone will laugh, give bro hugs and rainbows will shoot outta people's asses.
I cannot jump on this bandwagon and call shenanigans on this theory..
Fact - Joaquin is bat shit crazy.
Fact - Casey Affleck is not that funny.
Fact - Casey Affleck is not that funny.
Fact - They both are tools.
I think Casey Affleck is filming this to show Joaquin what a complete ass he has turned into and to remind him that he can stop the madness.
But that may be giving Affleck and his bitch face of a wife more credit then needed.
Anywho, watch the video and decide..
Witness....
Monday, January 19, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Um, actually, my lip, that's a cold sore. And I've never had a cold sore before, so I cried.
Hello friends.
I needed to take a breaky-poo in order to digest the Golden Globes and Drew Barrymore's hair.
Yeah, WTF indeed.
First let me say that I really like the dress.
However, in this situation that's like me saying she has a really great personality but her face is ass.
I mean this bitch was on some serious drogas cause she was all jittery and giggly and plain old stupid.
Stupid enough to stick her finger in a light socket and fry the shit outta her hair.
I don't dislike the Barrymore.
I just don't like her that much.
It seems that her BFF Cameron Douchiaz is not too happy with the DB either.
Lainey, the queen of overexaggeration, had this little tidbit of info.
Do I believe it?
Honestly, I think these two bitches have just finally gotten as sick of each other as I have of them.
How could you not?
One talks like a baby 90% of the time, bangs eighty dudes at once and is not all there in the acting department.
The other is a complete idiot who can't act her way outta a paper bag and has a face that looks like it was hit by a pan or thrown into a vat of chemical waste which in turn made her into Batman's arch-enemy.
Oh, and the Douchiaz wore this..
No Me Gusta.
It's like the same f'ng dress she wears to every event cause she is too f'ng high to realize that it is the same fucking dress she wears to every event.
Likes and Dislikes?
Tracy Morgan was fabulous.
As was Tina Fey.
As was Sacha Baron Cohen, who was way too funny for those holier-than-thou phony bolognas.
Happy for the Slumdog.
Kate Winslet.
I have always liked her and she looked fabulous.
But after some thought, she annoyed me a bit.
With the first win she basically was like, yo, I deserve this shit and you haven't given it to me, so here is my middle finger and I told you I was awesome so suck it.
To some degree she was genuine with the second win but she basically laid out her not so secret love for Leo, which was kinda sweet but awkward and her husband was kind of like there to witness the whole thing and make me more uncomfortable.
I felt like I was watching something that I shouldn't have and it made me feel weird.
Like that one time when this dude, who I always thought was a gay but was married, got really drunk at my homas wedding and pretty much eye fucked every dude in the room and then some.
Moving on..
Happy for that crazy fucker Rourke.
He kept it real and I dig that about him.
Liked Sandra Bullock, she was clever and funny and one of the best dressed of the evening.
I kinda wanted to do something with her hair though.
I also would have liked to tell her to stop doing romantic comedies but remembered that she was not that hot at dramatic films and so I didn't.
Ricky Gervais was good times.
I love me some Danny Boyle. Totally teary eyed when he was talking about his kids.
Um, Sally Hawkins = PJ Harvey = eat something to stop your teeth from taking up half your face.
The Boss never ages and his wife is too cute.
So happy Mama Mia won nothing and neither did Hathaway. I spit in her general direction.
Steven Spielberg was a bore.
Colin Ferrell went on and on and on for. way. too. fucking. long.
Douchiaz and Say Hello to Your Mutha for Me. Ugh, I loathe you both. Hate you both and your faces.
Emma Thompson and Dustin Hoffman.. awkward.
Thought the Heath win was deserved and Christopher Nolan was on point but the video clip and golf claps from folks was way annoying and self serving.
Half those fuckers in that room shared some sort of drugs with that dude or supplied it to him, so, yeah, jog on.
and finally..
dude.
really?
really?
My homa Nichole made a great call on this ho but after seeing the photos again I totally forgot cause this is just plain shit.
Shit.
Cannot say anything more.
Oh, one more..
I will put my complete and totally dislike of Evan Rachel Wood aside to say that she looked fabulous..
nothing more..
Except Pineapple Express was awesome. Yes, I am totally late in the game but whateves.
Danny McBride is my hero.
The new freaking judge on Top Chef, British food critic Toby Young, is a complete and total schmarmy tool who takes his nonsensical analogies to the extreme and is and will always be friendless.
Oh, and The Screen Actors Guild Awards will be televised on January 25 and we will keep it real until then.
I needed to take a breaky-poo in order to digest the Golden Globes and Drew Barrymore's hair.
Yeah, WTF indeed.
First let me say that I really like the dress.
However, in this situation that's like me saying she has a really great personality but her face is ass.
I mean this bitch was on some serious drogas cause she was all jittery and giggly and plain old stupid.
Stupid enough to stick her finger in a light socket and fry the shit outta her hair.
I don't dislike the Barrymore.
I just don't like her that much.
It seems that her BFF Cameron Douchiaz is not too happy with the DB either.
Lainey, the queen of overexaggeration, had this little tidbit of info.
Do I believe it?
Honestly, I think these two bitches have just finally gotten as sick of each other as I have of them.
How could you not?
One talks like a baby 90% of the time, bangs eighty dudes at once and is not all there in the acting department.
The other is a complete idiot who can't act her way outta a paper bag and has a face that looks like it was hit by a pan or thrown into a vat of chemical waste which in turn made her into Batman's arch-enemy.
Oh, and the Douchiaz wore this..
No Me Gusta.
It's like the same f'ng dress she wears to every event cause she is too f'ng high to realize that it is the same fucking dress she wears to every event.
Likes and Dislikes?
Tracy Morgan was fabulous.
As was Tina Fey.
As was Sacha Baron Cohen, who was way too funny for those holier-than-thou phony bolognas.
Happy for the Slumdog.
Kate Winslet.
I have always liked her and she looked fabulous.
But after some thought, she annoyed me a bit.
With the first win she basically was like, yo, I deserve this shit and you haven't given it to me, so here is my middle finger and I told you I was awesome so suck it.
To some degree she was genuine with the second win but she basically laid out her not so secret love for Leo, which was kinda sweet but awkward and her husband was kind of like there to witness the whole thing and make me more uncomfortable.
I felt like I was watching something that I shouldn't have and it made me feel weird.
Like that one time when this dude, who I always thought was a gay but was married, got really drunk at my homas wedding and pretty much eye fucked every dude in the room and then some.
Moving on..
Happy for that crazy fucker Rourke.
He kept it real and I dig that about him.
Liked Sandra Bullock, she was clever and funny and one of the best dressed of the evening.
I kinda wanted to do something with her hair though.
I also would have liked to tell her to stop doing romantic comedies but remembered that she was not that hot at dramatic films and so I didn't.
Ricky Gervais was good times.
I love me some Danny Boyle. Totally teary eyed when he was talking about his kids.
Um, Sally Hawkins = PJ Harvey = eat something to stop your teeth from taking up half your face.
The Boss never ages and his wife is too cute.
So happy Mama Mia won nothing and neither did Hathaway. I spit in her general direction.
Steven Spielberg was a bore.
Colin Ferrell went on and on and on for. way. too. fucking. long.
Douchiaz and Say Hello to Your Mutha for Me. Ugh, I loathe you both. Hate you both and your faces.
Emma Thompson and Dustin Hoffman.. awkward.
Thought the Heath win was deserved and Christopher Nolan was on point but the video clip and golf claps from folks was way annoying and self serving.
Half those fuckers in that room shared some sort of drugs with that dude or supplied it to him, so, yeah, jog on.
and finally..
dude.
really?
really?
My homa Nichole made a great call on this ho but after seeing the photos again I totally forgot cause this is just plain shit.
Shit.
Cannot say anything more.
Oh, one more..
I will put my complete and totally dislike of Evan Rachel Wood aside to say that she looked fabulous..
nothing more..
Except Pineapple Express was awesome. Yes, I am totally late in the game but whateves.
Danny McBride is my hero.
The new freaking judge on Top Chef, British food critic Toby Young, is a complete and total schmarmy tool who takes his nonsensical analogies to the extreme and is and will always be friendless.
Oh, and The Screen Actors Guild Awards will be televised on January 25 and we will keep it real until then.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Stay gold, Ponyboy.
Word.
Folks it is a new year, a new start and a new me.
For reals, you ask?
No.
Same shit dudes, different day.
I do wish that Joaquin Phoenix would have had that conversation with himself this year and had in fact decided that hells yes, it is time for a new start.
Once he reached this epiphany, he would then promptly call me to discuss a possible intervention.
But, alas, it is not to be.
No, Joaquin has decided to take his fucking circus sideshow freakathon on tour.
Spotted this time around in Miami, Fatty is found hanging out with the biggest dumb fucks on the planet, Sean Combs and Brett Ratner.
I refuse to call the former of the two tools anything but his freaking given name and none of this bullshit AKA stuff.
Moving on..
Behold, the end of a once beauteous man whom I thought very fondly of and at one time would have considered carrying his babies.
Let us dissect each and every one of these photos, shall we?
First off, Casey Affleck, Sean Combs and the artist previously known as Joaquin Phoenix before his stomach ate him.
What the hell are these three doing together?
Yes, I know that Stupido Affleck is helping film the train wreck.
But Sean Combs?
He looks like he has seen the devil in Joaquin.
Possibly because Joaquin is the devil and straight up told Sean Combs that his soul was nearly not worth enough and that killing Big Poppa was a huge mistake as the rap community and this here blogger miss his music genius.
I don't understand how Casey Affleck, who is married to Joaquin's sister, thinks that this new Joaquin transformation is going well.
Like does he look at Joaquin and think, gee this dude looks better then he has in years, and I for one am jealous at what a gigantic fat fucking lard ass drugged out, comatose shell of a man he has become.
Fuck you Affleck, I hope your career goes the way of the dinosaur.
Literal translation, like your brother Ben's.
Zing!
Next, Affleck, Grasso and Brett Ratner.
Dude, I am beginning to think these photos were taken in hell.
Ratner?
First off, get some Soul Glo for that shit ass jheri curl homes.
Secondly, what has that dude ever done but ruin filmmaking, take food from babies mouths and make me wish I were God's own personal warrior so that I could take that fucker out.
Finally.
My man.
Did anyone happen to notice that he is, in fact, wearing a banana clip?
Yes, I will give him props for the banana clip in question being very fancy.
However, I am saddened by it all and the fanciness is only a passing conciliation for the whole package.
Dude what the fuck happened?
Why does he look like he ate a whole family?
Why do his eyes look like they are boring into my soul and then whatever leftovers I have on my plate?
Why did he tag Ratner for the power of the jheri curl?
Is it really that humid in Miami and these two are not within reach of some sort of hair product to tame that shit?
Why can I not lock the Joaquin in a basement, not my own as that would be kidnapping, and replay Someone Saved My Life Tonight by Elton John, over and over and over again until he loses his shit for reals and comes back to me to look like this?
Whateves.
This will all end in sadness.
I will now just look at my Teen Beat pictures of the old Joaquin and say, stay gold Ponyboy. Stay gold forevah.
On a happier note, my favorite over at Crazy Days and Nights has revealed some of his blind items.
The one about Billy Idol and Alec Baldwin/Tina Fey make me muy triste.
The rest are pretty fabulous in more ways then one.
Enjoy and if you would like to read the whole shebang, http://www.crazydaysandnights.net/.
Peaces Greases.
This B list actor and sometime director, now married was once in a highly publicized relationship. While on location in another country the actor found himself in the VIP room of a member’s only gentleman’s club. Rumors swirled about what happened that night and ended up costing his relationship, but the popular guess was second or third base, at best. What really happened was captured on tape by a security camera of the actor, two ladies, and a lot of um let’s say marital aids of all varieties.
When one of the ladies let it ‘slip’ after the encounter that it was all recorded on security camera the actor demanded the tape from the club owner. After several phone calls and exchanges of all sorts the actor left with tape in hand.
But what the actor didn’t know was that the club had made several copies before the actor even knew it existed and he was just one of several actors caught in the same scam at the exclusive anything goes club. The whereabouts of the other tapes are unknown but I’m sure wherever they are, they came at a high price.
Ben Affleck
Even an A lister gets unlucky sometimes. There was some previous discussion whether this individual is actually A list. If he isn't A then he is right on the cusp. Apparently all the women surrounding his table thought he was A list or at least wanted him to think so. Allegedly dating someone everyone thought he was behaving himself except in the drinking department until a model walked by. He immediately ran over to the model and began trying to hit on her. Apparently though she didn't know who he was. When he informed her drunkenly who he was and what he had been in, she said, "I don't really care. Plus if you need to list your accomplishments to get a date, you really have not accomplished all that much." It would have been nice if this had been a quiet conversation, but unfortunately for our film actor the entire group surrounding the table all heard it. Nice.
Gerard Butler
A list actress. Hell, she isn't just an actress, she is also a producer and a very successful one at that. About three months ago our actress was in downtown LA and was headed for dinner. She saw a family that was huddled about 50 feet from the restaurant. Obviously homeless, the dad had a sign while the mom watched their two children. Our actress could have just gone into her dinner, but, instead walked over to the family and started asking them about their life. It was during this that one of her dinner companions also showed up at the restaurant. Through no fault of their own this family was stuck. This actress could have walked away, but instead she canceled her dinner plans, got the family to a hotel and got them some food. Over the course of the next week she found them a place to live, hired the husband for her company, helped the mom get the kids in school and found a job for the mom as well.
Drew Barrymore
Former A list rock singer. Now, just someone we love to sing with at clubs and see in the odd film cameo is going blind.
Billy Idol
Last week, this A list director of some very huge films was shooting his new movie. After work, our director went to a local restaurant (as was his routine) where he picked up two local floozies. After buying them a few drinks and impressing them with his big-shot “I’m a Big Hollywood Director” come-on, our director took the two tramps back to his hotel for a night of debauchery. Little did our director know what he was getting himself into!
Turns out that this pair of hometown hotties weren’t as dumb as our director thought. In fact, there were certified pros, if you get my meaning. (Word has it ugly pros, too – but hey, whattaya want.)
Anyway, flash forward a few hours
Our director wakes up the next morning feeling all kinds of groggy. He discovers his wallet missing, and worst of all – his laptop stolen. On the purloined laptop was reportedly the script to his new movie and several highly secret, ultra-confidential, For-His-Eyes-Only visual FX sequences for the new movie that could be leaked any day now. Not surprisingly, the studio is furious with our director and his utter lack of discretion.
Michael Bay
What film brother/sister duo in an upcoming blockbuster film are having to keep their relationship secret because of fears that the general public will not make the distinction between film and real life?
Robert Pattinson/Nikki Reed
This A list actor who had some serious health and emotional issues last year, but was allegedly on the straight and narrow either doesn't care or had a huge slip over the weekend. At the same party that brought us two blinds from yesterday, our actor managed to consume almost an entire bottle of vodka all by himself. Sweet and very quiet was how the spy described him.
Owen Wilson
Now for something juicier and we will stay at NBC. This time a comedy where the two stars of this hit show used to laugh and get along and just be best pals. Well best pals to the extent people can fake being best pals. However now it is to the point where the only time they communicate is through their lines on the set. The other problem is that other cast members are having to pick sides and if you speak to one, then the other won't speak to you. Yes, these are adults.
Tina Fey & Alec Baldwin
This vegetarian A list rock star has been on and off with his baby mama. She thinks they are on. He apparently thinks they are off as he was off with this former B list actress from a hit television show who loves taking care of strangers in the park.
Anthony Kiedis, Laura Prepon
***Photos from the fabulous Dlisted website and Joaquin Phoenix fansite.
Folks it is a new year, a new start and a new me.
For reals, you ask?
No.
Same shit dudes, different day.
I do wish that Joaquin Phoenix would have had that conversation with himself this year and had in fact decided that hells yes, it is time for a new start.
Once he reached this epiphany, he would then promptly call me to discuss a possible intervention.
But, alas, it is not to be.
No, Joaquin has decided to take his fucking circus sideshow freakathon on tour.
Spotted this time around in Miami, Fatty is found hanging out with the biggest dumb fucks on the planet, Sean Combs and Brett Ratner.
I refuse to call the former of the two tools anything but his freaking given name and none of this bullshit AKA stuff.
Moving on..
Behold, the end of a once beauteous man whom I thought very fondly of and at one time would have considered carrying his babies.
Let us dissect each and every one of these photos, shall we?
First off, Casey Affleck, Sean Combs and the artist previously known as Joaquin Phoenix before his stomach ate him.
What the hell are these three doing together?
Yes, I know that Stupido Affleck is helping film the train wreck.
But Sean Combs?
He looks like he has seen the devil in Joaquin.
Possibly because Joaquin is the devil and straight up told Sean Combs that his soul was nearly not worth enough and that killing Big Poppa was a huge mistake as the rap community and this here blogger miss his music genius.
I don't understand how Casey Affleck, who is married to Joaquin's sister, thinks that this new Joaquin transformation is going well.
Like does he look at Joaquin and think, gee this dude looks better then he has in years, and I for one am jealous at what a gigantic fat fucking lard ass drugged out, comatose shell of a man he has become.
Fuck you Affleck, I hope your career goes the way of the dinosaur.
Literal translation, like your brother Ben's.
Zing!
Next, Affleck, Grasso and Brett Ratner.
Dude, I am beginning to think these photos were taken in hell.
Ratner?
First off, get some Soul Glo for that shit ass jheri curl homes.
Secondly, what has that dude ever done but ruin filmmaking, take food from babies mouths and make me wish I were God's own personal warrior so that I could take that fucker out.
Finally.
My man.
Did anyone happen to notice that he is, in fact, wearing a banana clip?
Yes, I will give him props for the banana clip in question being very fancy.
However, I am saddened by it all and the fanciness is only a passing conciliation for the whole package.
Dude what the fuck happened?
Why does he look like he ate a whole family?
Why do his eyes look like they are boring into my soul and then whatever leftovers I have on my plate?
Why did he tag Ratner for the power of the jheri curl?
Is it really that humid in Miami and these two are not within reach of some sort of hair product to tame that shit?
Why can I not lock the Joaquin in a basement, not my own as that would be kidnapping, and replay Someone Saved My Life Tonight by Elton John, over and over and over again until he loses his shit for reals and comes back to me to look like this?
Whateves.
This will all end in sadness.
I will now just look at my Teen Beat pictures of the old Joaquin and say, stay gold Ponyboy. Stay gold forevah.
On a happier note, my favorite over at Crazy Days and Nights has revealed some of his blind items.
The one about Billy Idol and Alec Baldwin/Tina Fey make me muy triste.
The rest are pretty fabulous in more ways then one.
Enjoy and if you would like to read the whole shebang, http://www.crazydaysandnights.net/.
Peaces Greases.
This B list actor and sometime director, now married was once in a highly publicized relationship. While on location in another country the actor found himself in the VIP room of a member’s only gentleman’s club. Rumors swirled about what happened that night and ended up costing his relationship, but the popular guess was second or third base, at best. What really happened was captured on tape by a security camera of the actor, two ladies, and a lot of um let’s say marital aids of all varieties.
When one of the ladies let it ‘slip’ after the encounter that it was all recorded on security camera the actor demanded the tape from the club owner. After several phone calls and exchanges of all sorts the actor left with tape in hand.
But what the actor didn’t know was that the club had made several copies before the actor even knew it existed and he was just one of several actors caught in the same scam at the exclusive anything goes club. The whereabouts of the other tapes are unknown but I’m sure wherever they are, they came at a high price.
Ben Affleck
Even an A lister gets unlucky sometimes. There was some previous discussion whether this individual is actually A list. If he isn't A then he is right on the cusp. Apparently all the women surrounding his table thought he was A list or at least wanted him to think so. Allegedly dating someone everyone thought he was behaving himself except in the drinking department until a model walked by. He immediately ran over to the model and began trying to hit on her. Apparently though she didn't know who he was. When he informed her drunkenly who he was and what he had been in, she said, "I don't really care. Plus if you need to list your accomplishments to get a date, you really have not accomplished all that much." It would have been nice if this had been a quiet conversation, but unfortunately for our film actor the entire group surrounding the table all heard it. Nice.
Gerard Butler
A list actress. Hell, she isn't just an actress, she is also a producer and a very successful one at that. About three months ago our actress was in downtown LA and was headed for dinner. She saw a family that was huddled about 50 feet from the restaurant. Obviously homeless, the dad had a sign while the mom watched their two children. Our actress could have just gone into her dinner, but, instead walked over to the family and started asking them about their life. It was during this that one of her dinner companions also showed up at the restaurant. Through no fault of their own this family was stuck. This actress could have walked away, but instead she canceled her dinner plans, got the family to a hotel and got them some food. Over the course of the next week she found them a place to live, hired the husband for her company, helped the mom get the kids in school and found a job for the mom as well.
Drew Barrymore
Former A list rock singer. Now, just someone we love to sing with at clubs and see in the odd film cameo is going blind.
Billy Idol
Last week, this A list director of some very huge films was shooting his new movie. After work, our director went to a local restaurant (as was his routine) where he picked up two local floozies. After buying them a few drinks and impressing them with his big-shot “I’m a Big Hollywood Director” come-on, our director took the two tramps back to his hotel for a night of debauchery. Little did our director know what he was getting himself into!
Turns out that this pair of hometown hotties weren’t as dumb as our director thought. In fact, there were certified pros, if you get my meaning. (Word has it ugly pros, too – but hey, whattaya want.)
Anyway, flash forward a few hours
Our director wakes up the next morning feeling all kinds of groggy. He discovers his wallet missing, and worst of all – his laptop stolen. On the purloined laptop was reportedly the script to his new movie and several highly secret, ultra-confidential, For-His-Eyes-Only visual FX sequences for the new movie that could be leaked any day now. Not surprisingly, the studio is furious with our director and his utter lack of discretion.
Michael Bay
What film brother/sister duo in an upcoming blockbuster film are having to keep their relationship secret because of fears that the general public will not make the distinction between film and real life?
Robert Pattinson/Nikki Reed
This A list actor who had some serious health and emotional issues last year, but was allegedly on the straight and narrow either doesn't care or had a huge slip over the weekend. At the same party that brought us two blinds from yesterday, our actor managed to consume almost an entire bottle of vodka all by himself. Sweet and very quiet was how the spy described him.
Owen Wilson
Now for something juicier and we will stay at NBC. This time a comedy where the two stars of this hit show used to laugh and get along and just be best pals. Well best pals to the extent people can fake being best pals. However now it is to the point where the only time they communicate is through their lines on the set. The other problem is that other cast members are having to pick sides and if you speak to one, then the other won't speak to you. Yes, these are adults.
Tina Fey & Alec Baldwin
This vegetarian A list rock star has been on and off with his baby mama. She thinks they are on. He apparently thinks they are off as he was off with this former B list actress from a hit television show who loves taking care of strangers in the park.
Anthony Kiedis, Laura Prepon
***Photos from the fabulous Dlisted website and Joaquin Phoenix fansite.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Ciao Bello..
FYI.. Fabio from this season's Top Chef is the fucking biggity bomb.
Just watch him.
Do it.
It's like your chonies just want to come off and find him and live with his chonies.
In case you don't know whom in the hell I am rambling about, Fabio is the Italian dude on Top Chef.
He is fabulous.
Now mind you, I am not a particular fan of Italians.
Never trust one, totally full of shit and shenanigans.
Like my Grandpa who told everyone that he used to play tennis with Benito Mussolini.
Not only was this little over share complete and total bullshit, um, not something to be proud of Gramps.
Anywho back to my little Italian Stallion.
He is charming and funny and sweet and is 30 but looks like he is 45 and doesn't understand English phrases but pretends to and has good teeth and loves to cook, and to tell me that I'm pretty.
He also is the personal chef of Captain Kirk himself, William Shatner.
Dude.
That makes him even cooler.
I hope he wins.
Maybe he will renew my faith in Italians.
Probably not cause they are all bastards.
Bastards who played tennis with evil dictators that dug Nazi's.
I'm just saying.
Just watch him.
Do it.
It's like your chonies just want to come off and find him and live with his chonies.
In case you don't know whom in the hell I am rambling about, Fabio is the Italian dude on Top Chef.
He is fabulous.
Now mind you, I am not a particular fan of Italians.
Never trust one, totally full of shit and shenanigans.
Like my Grandpa who told everyone that he used to play tennis with Benito Mussolini.
Not only was this little over share complete and total bullshit, um, not something to be proud of Gramps.
Anywho back to my little Italian Stallion.
He is charming and funny and sweet and is 30 but looks like he is 45 and doesn't understand English phrases but pretends to and has good teeth and loves to cook, and to tell me that I'm pretty.
He also is the personal chef of Captain Kirk himself, William Shatner.
Dude.
That makes him even cooler.
I hope he wins.
Maybe he will renew my faith in Italians.
Probably not cause they are all bastards.
Bastards who played tennis with evil dictators that dug Nazi's.
I'm just saying.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
And here we go...
The nominees for The 66th Annual Golden Globe Awards will be announced Thursday, December 11 at the butt crack of dawn.
Honestly, I am not super excited for the awards season this year.
Movies were meh with only a few exceptions and television has delivered a bunch of poo poo.
Dudes, if Katherine Heigl is still on television and getting film work, you know the world is going to hell in a hand basket and there is nothing good to come from Hollywood.
Anywho, below are my picks for this season's film nominees and possible winners.
Best Actress -
Kate Winslet may be nominated for Revolutionary Road but as The Critics Choice nominations have shown, that may not be the case.
Critics Choice is a good barometer for who will be nominated for a Golden Globe and/or Academy Award.
Or so they say.
Like you didn't know that.
Sorry.
Moving on..
My hope is that Anne Hathaway does not win a damn thing.
Yes, she will be nominated for Rachel Getting Married, a pretentious film that does not need to add an S to Rachel.
But please, please, as God is my own personal warrior, do not let this bitch win.
Angelina may be nominated but won't win, due to the fact that no one saw The Changeling and the world is better for it.
Who wants to see a downer of a film with no chance for a happy ending?
Because let's face it, when Clint directs a movie the ending will be void of warm fuzzies.
Now Angelina will win the award for best looking couple at any event on planet earth as witnessed at the Benjamin Button premiere last night.
Whatever.
How is it that these two are way too good looking for my own good?
They procreate and adopt children who are way too good looking for my own good.
It's not fair and I should receive some sort of stipend from the government for this kind of abuse.
They say that Meryl Streep will be nominated for her portrayal as a nun on a mission from God in the movie Doubt.
Streep can be awesome-o but I don't go out to see her films and I don't particularly think she is all that, all the time.
What I am saying is that when I said she was awesome-o, I lied.
Have you seen the commercials for Mama Mia?
No not the film, just the commercial.
Cause if you see the film, I guarantee, you will become mentally retarded.
That's a fact.
Look it up.
I vote for Cate Blanchett for just being rad.
Oh, and she may be fabulous in the Button movie, I don’t know.
I just want her to start dressing fabulous again.
Moving on..
Best Actor -
The Rourke looks like a sure-fire nominee and cross my fingers, a winner.
Have you seen the the preview?
I mean this shit makes me cry every time I see it.
I have a cold heart people and this melts it.
Side bar:
Is it me or does Rourke remind you of Charlize Theron in Monster?
Except this is no character.
This is what Rourke really looks like.
Every day.
24/7.
No makeup, that's his real freaking face.
No, I'm not kidding.
Do you want a before picture of Rourke?
Before the drugs, steroids and boxing pulvarization?
No words for this.
Next...
The Pitt.
Should have won for 12 Monkeys.
Definitely for Fight Club.
I have not seen this Benjamin Button, but I do like the baby moustache he is rocking and think that he is lovely and endearing and funny and a non-douche.
So.
Yeah.
No on Clint.
He is old and he wins everything, so no.
The guy has like eight Academy Awards, Santa Barbara and got away with the, I'm an old man so I can stare at your boobs Angelina Jolie, so he's all good.
No on the Frank Langella.
I am not convinced of his Nixon and who really cares about Nixon anyway?
Is he even relevant anymore?
Ha!
Facial Nixon!
Michael Sheen should be nominated.
My vote...
Rourke.
Or else he will go ape shit and that may be just as good as him trying to give an acceptance speech sober style.
Supporting Actress -
Tomei will be nominated and may win for The Wrestler thereby ridding her of the stigma as the, wait. what?, winner for My Cousin Vinny.
However, Winslet needs a freaking Oscar and if she is going to get it by being a naked, jail bait screwing Nazi, as she is in The Reader, then so be it.
My vote..
Winslet.
Supporting Actor -
Ledger would be fabulous and sad at the same time.
He was radical in The Dark Night, had an amazing career ahead of him, a lovely daughter and ex-lady friend and his dumb ass should not have been into the drogas.
But whateves.
He didn't call me when the chips were down, he called an Olsen and that in and of itself equals an epic failure.
Next please..
Robert Downey Jr. could be the dark horse as he kicked some serious ass in Tropic Thunder and this is his freaking year.
Josh Brolin ruled the school as the insecure, possibly closeted, on the brink of losing his shit character, Dan White in the movie Milk.
Side bar:
Dude, remember that one time when Brolin hit his wife?
I am so sad about that.
To get over my feelings of disgust for his actions, I will only appreciate Brolin's acting skills.
Not his husband skills.
I vote for...
Ledger.
Moving on..
Best Picture and Director -
My hope?
Slumdog Millionaire.
Dudes.
Danny Boyle is one of my favorites.
His films are fabulous, Cillian Murphy is in most of them, he helps lepers and the elderly alike and it's really all about me so..
Boyle for the win.
Those are my picks.
We shall receive the nominations on Thursday and the winners on January 11.
Peaces Greases.
P.S.
Can they give the Lifetime Achievement award to Kevin Bacon?
This man has to deal with "The Closer" in every aspect of his life.
If that does not merit an award, his eight billion movie roles should.
Honestly, I am not super excited for the awards season this year.
Movies were meh with only a few exceptions and television has delivered a bunch of poo poo.
Dudes, if Katherine Heigl is still on television and getting film work, you know the world is going to hell in a hand basket and there is nothing good to come from Hollywood.
Anywho, below are my picks for this season's film nominees and possible winners.
Best Actress -
Kate Winslet may be nominated for Revolutionary Road but as The Critics Choice nominations have shown, that may not be the case.
Critics Choice is a good barometer for who will be nominated for a Golden Globe and/or Academy Award.
Or so they say.
Like you didn't know that.
Sorry.
Moving on..
My hope is that Anne Hathaway does not win a damn thing.
Yes, she will be nominated for Rachel Getting Married, a pretentious film that does not need to add an S to Rachel.
But please, please, as God is my own personal warrior, do not let this bitch win.
Angelina may be nominated but won't win, due to the fact that no one saw The Changeling and the world is better for it.
Who wants to see a downer of a film with no chance for a happy ending?
Because let's face it, when Clint directs a movie the ending will be void of warm fuzzies.
Now Angelina will win the award for best looking couple at any event on planet earth as witnessed at the Benjamin Button premiere last night.
Whatever.
How is it that these two are way too good looking for my own good?
They procreate and adopt children who are way too good looking for my own good.
It's not fair and I should receive some sort of stipend from the government for this kind of abuse.
They say that Meryl Streep will be nominated for her portrayal as a nun on a mission from God in the movie Doubt.
Streep can be awesome-o but I don't go out to see her films and I don't particularly think she is all that, all the time.
What I am saying is that when I said she was awesome-o, I lied.
Have you seen the commercials for Mama Mia?
No not the film, just the commercial.
Cause if you see the film, I guarantee, you will become mentally retarded.
That's a fact.
Look it up.
I vote for Cate Blanchett for just being rad.
Oh, and she may be fabulous in the Button movie, I don’t know.
I just want her to start dressing fabulous again.
Moving on..
Best Actor -
The Rourke looks like a sure-fire nominee and cross my fingers, a winner.
Have you seen the the preview?
I mean this shit makes me cry every time I see it.
I have a cold heart people and this melts it.
Side bar:
Is it me or does Rourke remind you of Charlize Theron in Monster?
Except this is no character.
This is what Rourke really looks like.
Every day.
24/7.
No makeup, that's his real freaking face.
No, I'm not kidding.
Do you want a before picture of Rourke?
Before the drugs, steroids and boxing pulvarization?
No words for this.
Next...
The Pitt.
Should have won for 12 Monkeys.
Definitely for Fight Club.
I have not seen this Benjamin Button, but I do like the baby moustache he is rocking and think that he is lovely and endearing and funny and a non-douche.
So.
Yeah.
No on Clint.
He is old and he wins everything, so no.
The guy has like eight Academy Awards, Santa Barbara and got away with the, I'm an old man so I can stare at your boobs Angelina Jolie, so he's all good.
No on the Frank Langella.
I am not convinced of his Nixon and who really cares about Nixon anyway?
Is he even relevant anymore?
Ha!
Facial Nixon!
Michael Sheen should be nominated.
My vote...
Rourke.
Or else he will go ape shit and that may be just as good as him trying to give an acceptance speech sober style.
Supporting Actress -
Tomei will be nominated and may win for The Wrestler thereby ridding her of the stigma as the, wait. what?, winner for My Cousin Vinny.
However, Winslet needs a freaking Oscar and if she is going to get it by being a naked, jail bait screwing Nazi, as she is in The Reader, then so be it.
My vote..
Winslet.
Supporting Actor -
Ledger would be fabulous and sad at the same time.
He was radical in The Dark Night, had an amazing career ahead of him, a lovely daughter and ex-lady friend and his dumb ass should not have been into the drogas.
But whateves.
He didn't call me when the chips were down, he called an Olsen and that in and of itself equals an epic failure.
Next please..
Robert Downey Jr. could be the dark horse as he kicked some serious ass in Tropic Thunder and this is his freaking year.
Josh Brolin ruled the school as the insecure, possibly closeted, on the brink of losing his shit character, Dan White in the movie Milk.
Side bar:
Dude, remember that one time when Brolin hit his wife?
I am so sad about that.
To get over my feelings of disgust for his actions, I will only appreciate Brolin's acting skills.
Not his husband skills.
I vote for...
Ledger.
Moving on..
Best Picture and Director -
My hope?
Slumdog Millionaire.
Dudes.
Danny Boyle is one of my favorites.
His films are fabulous, Cillian Murphy is in most of them, he helps lepers and the elderly alike and it's really all about me so..
Boyle for the win.
Those are my picks.
We shall receive the nominations on Thursday and the winners on January 11.
Peaces Greases.
P.S.
Can they give the Lifetime Achievement award to Kevin Bacon?
This man has to deal with "The Closer" in every aspect of his life.
If that does not merit an award, his eight billion movie roles should.
Monday, December 8, 2008
And I raaannn, I ran so far away, and in my heart, in my heart you'll stay.
Please watch it and love it and own it and work it and cut and paste it..
I want to have 1000 Samberg babies..
Incredibad this way
I want to have 1000 Samberg babies..
Incredibad this way
Friday, November 28, 2008
wang, schlong, dong, johnson, pecker, woody, chode
Dudes.
Buenos Noches.
It looks like Kristen Stewart is back in the news.
A writer from the Chicago Sun Times felt the necessity to talk
shit.
Quickly followed up by Lainey, stirring the pot by comparing Stewart to Joaquin Phoenix.
Dude.
In response to the first article, yes, the girl is a gigantic train wreck when it comes to interviews, possibly stemming from her overuse of "big words" and her inability to enjoy life, let alone complete a sentence.
But cut her a little slack.
Imagine someone asking you for the billionth time why you chose the hott Brit to be the leading man (duh!), what it was like to play a simple girl with zero cajones and why the hott Brit felt the need to make a 180 year-old vamp sound like a guido.
Actually, I wish someone would ask that freaking question.
In response to the second quip, the girl is 18, socially retarded, thinks she has indie cred and likes to smoke weed to forget the pain that is Twilight.
Comparing her to the JP is absolutely ridiculous.
I mean this kid watched his brother die, tried to recover from the loss by changing his name from Leif to Joaquin, only to find that he couldn't recover with just a name change because he would always live in his brother's shadow, to the point that he has succumbed to the demons which have left him a shell of a man.
I lost it for the Joaquin after Walk the Line.
He was handsome, slim, dedicated and solid as a rock, rock, rock, rock, rock, rock.
Now he's a pudgy burn out, with a serious drug problem - which in and of itself is beyond me -, who thinks making a documentary about his ultimate downward spiral and life as a "rapper" is worth anyone's time and makes me vomit whenever I see photos of him and his attempt at spelling Good Bye.
Clever, you fuck.
The guy thinks he's a rapper.
A. Rapper.
If this kid has not gone over the deep end, then the addition of Casey Affleck as his director on this documentary of evil should help convince you.
All of this has made me so sad, so I read
this.
Skip ahead to page 4 and read Stephanie Meyer's take on the "dazzle" scene from Twilight the movie.
Man I wish this ho would shut. the. fuck. up.
Agreed, the scene should have been better, but you and your “novel” are not the fucking second coming, so be happy with what you got.
Give this biyotch fangirls and she turns into an auteur that thinks she will be relevant in 5 years time.
Ugh. Meyer, I spit in your general direction.
Most importantly, as an FYI, next time you attend the premiere of your film, phone a friend, use a lifeline, please get help from someone who will put you in front of a mirror to tell you that you look like a manatee in a shrug.
Moving on, it looks like the Pooptrow and hubby may be on the outs.
According to this article, the Pooper is making it with tool, a power tool.
Sure she is married to a tool now, but I guess you can never get enough tool.
This dude looks like that guy in those penis enlargement commercials, Bob?
Yep, this guy..
Looks like I may have been too harsh.
Gwynnie may be leaving her tool of a husband for a dick of a trust fund baby..
One more thing, have you seen the Adidas commercial with the house party that I wish I attended, like every day, but wasn’t cool enough to get invited to?
No?
enjoy kids
FYI, the song is Beggin’ a remix done by Madcon.
I got skills, I'll be back.
Peaces Greases..
Buenos Noches.
It looks like Kristen Stewart is back in the news.
A writer from the Chicago Sun Times felt the necessity to talk
shit.
Quickly followed up by Lainey, stirring the pot by comparing Stewart to Joaquin Phoenix.
Dude.
In response to the first article, yes, the girl is a gigantic train wreck when it comes to interviews, possibly stemming from her overuse of "big words" and her inability to enjoy life, let alone complete a sentence.
But cut her a little slack.
Imagine someone asking you for the billionth time why you chose the hott Brit to be the leading man (duh!), what it was like to play a simple girl with zero cajones and why the hott Brit felt the need to make a 180 year-old vamp sound like a guido.
Actually, I wish someone would ask that freaking question.
In response to the second quip, the girl is 18, socially retarded, thinks she has indie cred and likes to smoke weed to forget the pain that is Twilight.
Comparing her to the JP is absolutely ridiculous.
I mean this kid watched his brother die, tried to recover from the loss by changing his name from Leif to Joaquin, only to find that he couldn't recover with just a name change because he would always live in his brother's shadow, to the point that he has succumbed to the demons which have left him a shell of a man.
I lost it for the Joaquin after Walk the Line.
He was handsome, slim, dedicated and solid as a rock, rock, rock, rock, rock, rock.
Now he's a pudgy burn out, with a serious drug problem - which in and of itself is beyond me -, who thinks making a documentary about his ultimate downward spiral and life as a "rapper" is worth anyone's time and makes me vomit whenever I see photos of him and his attempt at spelling Good Bye.
Clever, you fuck.
The guy thinks he's a rapper.
A. Rapper.
If this kid has not gone over the deep end, then the addition of Casey Affleck as his director on this documentary of evil should help convince you.
All of this has made me so sad, so I read
this.
Skip ahead to page 4 and read Stephanie Meyer's take on the "dazzle" scene from Twilight the movie.
Man I wish this ho would shut. the. fuck. up.
Agreed, the scene should have been better, but you and your “novel” are not the fucking second coming, so be happy with what you got.
Give this biyotch fangirls and she turns into an auteur that thinks she will be relevant in 5 years time.
Ugh. Meyer, I spit in your general direction.
Most importantly, as an FYI, next time you attend the premiere of your film, phone a friend, use a lifeline, please get help from someone who will put you in front of a mirror to tell you that you look like a manatee in a shrug.
Moving on, it looks like the Pooptrow and hubby may be on the outs.
According to this article, the Pooper is making it with tool, a power tool.
Sure she is married to a tool now, but I guess you can never get enough tool.
This dude looks like that guy in those penis enlargement commercials, Bob?
Yep, this guy..
Looks like I may have been too harsh.
Gwynnie may be leaving her tool of a husband for a dick of a trust fund baby..
One more thing, have you seen the Adidas commercial with the house party that I wish I attended, like every day, but wasn’t cool enough to get invited to?
No?
enjoy kids
FYI, the song is Beggin’ a remix done by Madcon.
I got skills, I'll be back.
Peaces Greases..
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