How Do You Say... Poop?

I'm going to come right out there and say it.
This season's Project Runway sucks big giant hairy donkey balls.
It is mucho, mucho terrible to the tenth power.

I mean just a load of crap.
I am truly, truly vexed folks.
It has been increasingly difficult to muster the wherewithal to write about Project Runway this season.
I just used some big ass words so you know things suck.

The designs are not blowing me away by any means.
There is not one person to like and so, so many to loathe.
Stella needs to burn in leathah hell.
Korto is poo face all. the. time.
Daniel's taste is at the high end of shit.
I want to straight up pull and Ivan Drago and break you Kenley.
Joe is a complete and total ignorant doucher.
Third Person needs to take his ginormous tard of a personality and jog on.
Leanne is lacking anything close to a personality let alone some serious cojones.
Keith reminds me of someone not to leave your children alone with.
Jerell wears a freaking Peter Pan hat, is annoying as hell and designs such pieces of crap that even his model cannot keep a straight face wearing his clown clothes.


The only saving grace is Terri because her designs are pretty descent and her vocabulary is off the freaking hook.
An honorable mention goes out to Blayne, cause he is straight up crazy and knows it, his designs are so bizarre and awful they make me chuckle and anyone who calls Stella a leatha face receives a get of jail free card from me.


Mind you I am not the only one who thinks this season is shit.
Us Weekly interviewed last year's winner and my own personal bodyguard Christian Siriano, on what he thought of this year's crop of crap.
Siriano said, "They kind of annoy me this season! I actually met everyone, and they're all great, but I just really don't know about the clothes this year. Maybe I just need to see more episodes — then I'll really judge!" He added that there's no "Rami, or Gillian [last season's finalists]. I felt like a lot of our cast members were a little more up to par than what I've been seeing, but we'll see! I hope it gets better."


I wonder if maybe this season is purposefully crappy cause PR is moving to the ovary stripping channel next season and they are giving an F U to Bravo.

I am just disappointed that they are giving me the F U too.
I don't deserve this shit Bravo.
You better man up, get some better episodes or I will be peacing out and watching reruns of Michael Phelps and those other dudes rule it in the 4 x 100 relay, cause that shit is for real, real, real, real, real!

Project Runway 5.1

Hola Mujeres..
Season 5 of Project Runway started last Wednesday without excitement or hoopla or Heidi shaking her tatas and giggling at the camera.
Instead we met the designers and their personalities.

Some standouts, in a good way..

- Leanne - a little mousey, a little quiet, but kicks ass in the design department.
Her dresses are pretty radical and if she pulls her personality outta her ass, we got us a winner.

- Kelli - a little retro, maybe a little extra from the movie Crybaby, but proved her chops during the challenge.

- Daniel - a little short, a little too quiet, but he can make a dress outta plastic cups and it looked good today.


Some maybe, kinda, could be okay, but I don’t want to pass judgment yet in case they totally blow it and suck ass..

- Emily - a little too into the Let's Get Physical video wearing a rope bandana on her head that made me wanna vomit.
But, she could totally grow on me even though during her intro, we never saw her designs and that could = caca for Em-dog.

- Keith - a little creepy, a little loves Heidi too much, but he made a nice dress and I will add him here cause I don't hate him yet.

- Terri - a little, I got nothing on this one, but she made a sweater outta mop heads and I was impressed.

- Wesley - a little this dude worked for Marc Jacobs and that gives him some sort of street cred, so I am giving him three episodes even though he wears really short, tight, shorts that make me think of murfs and possible skid marks.

- Joe - just because he is peacing out after episode five and I don't care either way.

- Kenley - a little on the verge of making me dislike her but I am keeping this generous heart of mine open.

- Jennifer - the least designory looking person on the show.
She did handle herself nicely as she was coming out of the shower to Tim Gunn, so she gets some points there.



Some whom I hope will perish in fiery flames, with Nina Garcia nightmares, and a bad case of explosive diarrhea..


- Blayne - it's a major appliance not a name, or as I like to call him Crack Baby, has smoked one too many doobies and is the bastardization of Spicoli.
His designs suck, he sucks and most importantly his tan sucks.
He will annoy me for episodes to come, as he is the catchphrase of season 5.
I am not the least bit happy about that.


- Jerell - I. Cannot. Stand. Him. That is it, end of story.


- Suede - Remember "The Jimmy Episode" from Seinfeld?
Remember how Jimmy had that awful habit of talking about himself in the third person?
Remember how you would get idiot shivers from Jimmy and would think that there would be no human being, with a shred of decency, that would possibly speak that way?
Yeah, well meet Suede.

- Korto - If this woman would smile and maybe show some sort of, I don't know, emotion, she would not be in the shit pile.
But Korto's got perma poo face and therefore I bid her good day.

Stella –
Um.
Yeah.
This one is a piece of work.
She whines, has gigantic thunder thigh- badonkadonk combo, wears clown pants and her hair is a severe burn victim.
But what it really comes down to is that voice.
The one that keeps you up at night and makes your skin crawl.
Her voice irritates and grates at me, like crabs or gonorrhea.
I hate her okay, plain and simple.


We have met the new crop, we can move on.
The challenge, brought to you by Mr. Fabulous himself Austin Scarlet from Season 1, was a redo of the very first challenge of Season 1, making something using material from New York City grocery store Gristedes.

Shots of the kids shopping and..

Fast-forward to Parsons where most of the designers choose tablecloths as their fabric and Tim is super disappointed, as am I.

Speaking of disappointed, was anyone else when Stella didn't just peace out after realizing that she purchased piece of shit garbage bags?

I wanted her to roll out so bad, but to my dismay, she stayed and pieced together this crap.

Nice Stella.
I say you stick around until episode four and then go down in flames reminiscent of the ones you stitch on the side of those totally nuoriginal piece of crap leather pants you "design."
Leathaaaaaaaaa....


Some people who actually tried...

Winner - Kellie

This was made out of vacuum bags and coffee filters.
Home girl bleached the bags and burned a pattern into the filters.
The boobage area is not my fave, but this girl knocked it out of the park.
So clever and thoughtful and she seems somewhat humble so I give her a serious high five.
For now.


Runner-Up - Daniel

This dress was made out of plastic cups.
Dudes.
The guy went to work, ironed every cup and connected the dots to make a pretty awesome dress.
Daniel and his creativity impressed me and really all that matters is to impress me and make me feel like a winner.
Done and done.


Nicely Done - Wesley

This creation by Wesley totally made up for his clown shorts.

Have I ever shared with you my complete disgust for those who wear loafers without socks + super tight and short, man shorts?
This is like the ultimate insult to my very being.
The complete disregard for dignity runs right up there with being a hippie and so, in closing, Wesley’s outfit made me vomit in my mouth a little.
It was not until I saw his creation that I could look past his utter lack of fashion sense which totally made him resemble Damien of Omen fame.
Anywho, tablecloth + fly swatter = radical and may make me forget his clown pants.


Honarable Mention - Terri
Damn Gina made the top out of mop heads and the bottom out of tablecloth.
I think one could wear this out and feel close to normal.
Plus, Ms. T. is kinda sassy and I think she may be kinda rad so I might pull for her.



The Bad..
Besides Stella, Crack Baby really stepped up to the shitty plate.

WTF?
I mean seriously, right?
Home girl looks like she fast forwarded 50 years and wore her Depends as outer garments.
She looks like a granny who hasn't taken care of business in her nether region, doesn't give a fuck and walks around showing the world her whoha.
It looks like a white cat, which happened to be wearing a pink beanie, committed suicide on her stomach.
Whateves, it's awful and I hope he knows it.


Loser - Jerry

I didn't mention Jerry in the contestant intros cause frankly the dude got kicked off the first round so he can fuck off.
Anywho, this is one big piece of shit, right?
Jerome talked a big game, but in the end his model's face really says it all.
Wear this and you will turn into a retard.




Next week..
Natalie Portman is a judge and some other stuff happens.
Awesome.
See you next time ;)

"What's so cool about my website? Well, I like to think of it like a really rad bridge.."

Please, please check out this website.

And Now, the Moment You've All Been Waiting For

Dudes.
Bradical and Ambrolina had the super twins on Saturday, and lo and behold it was a boy and a girl.
Knox and Vivienne.
Dudes.
Mini-Bradical and Mini-Ambrolina to take over the world.
France totally celebrated like in the Wizard of Oz when Dorothy and the A-Team are leaving the Emerald City to straight murder the Wicked Witch and the midgets are all going ape shit and there's like a parade and ticker tape and glitter and poop.
Um, just like that.
Anywho congrats oh blessed familia Jolie-Pitt..



In even happier news, the new designers for Project Runway Season 5 can be found ovah here.
Radical.
I am pumped.




Oh big, big news.
Jimmy Kimmel finally got wise and broke up with that vajayjay Silverman.
It was mutual but I think Kimmel realized that Silverman was a douche and was totally using him for publicity and really that isn't saying much.
So yeah, total slow gossip night.




WHITE CHOLA WATCH..


Still pregnant...




More photos of Sienna Sluttastic Miller and Balls Getty have surfaced.
This time Sluttastic is on a boat showing the world what made her leader of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee.
Where is that worst case scenario STD I wished upon both of these fools?
Any day now Jesus...





The seriously best news of the day belongs to Katherine Hateable.
Word on the street is that Hateable is about to get the ax in the worst way.. Death by something.
I am hoping that once she loses the role that made her famous - due to her constant bitching and moaning - peeps will start to realize what a complete and total fucktard she is and stop hiring her stupid ass.
So worst case STD for Sluttastic and a serious case of career poocano for Hateable and my work will be done here.




Okay, two more days till Project Runway!!!!
Yeehaw..
See you then,
xoxo

"Hey nerds, guess who has two thumbs, speaks limited French and hasn't cried once today: This Mua!"

Hello!
I hope you all had a faboo July 4.
Fireworks, hotdogs, gossip?


Our dude at Crazy Days and Nights delivered the goods on July 4 by revealing some of his blind items.
Most, to be honest, were crapolla.

The crème de la crème can be found below..


This must have happened about six months ago now. Chicago. In one corner you have a B list actor. Married. For now. A list name recognition. How about A+ name recognition. Anyway, our actor was in town doing some press, making some friends, drinking a little bit. Hey just because it is a kindness doesn't mean that it is going to be lovely dovey. He shouldn't, but he does. So, our actor befriended a few of the waitresses at this particular establishment. One of them came up to him and was talking about how some guy had ordered Cristal or something for his girlfriend for their six month anniversary or something and he then realized he had left his wallet at home. Our actor told the waitress to say that the manager had picked up the bill and our actor paid it. Our actor had such a good time doing that nice thing that he decided to pick up every tab in the place that night. He didn't announce it or scream it because then everyone would have just ordered and ordered. Instead, he spoke with the manager and as each person settled their bill they were told it was on the house and thanks for being such a good customer when instead each tab was actually paid for by the actor. Final bill? About $10,000. Plus tip. He is always a good tipper.

- Ben Affleck



At this point this the only thing keeping this on and off screen couple from that NY teen show together are the cameras and the publicity they get for being together.

- Blake Lively & Penn Badgley


#1 - How about another adventure from our actor from yesterday? Not as interesting, but still fun in a car wreck kind of way. Film Festival. Toronto actually. Yay Canada. Party for the premiere of one of his films. Drinks until he is passed out and his manager carries him to his room. Like I said. Not as interesting but hopefully will provide some insight into yesterday.


#2 - You try coming to work like this actor and lets see how long you keep your job, let alone get lots and lots of ass kissing.

A list film actor. Yes, A-list, no ifs ands or buts. Well, if he had stuck with what made him famous he probably wouldn't have made it to A-list but he adapted. Latest film. Not a great film. First day. Table reading. Our actor showed up for it and was so drunk he could barely stand. No one who was setting everything up would come near him because you could smell him a mile away. He kept stumbling and falling everywhere. Affectionate to everyone. Lots of hugs and kisses. Finally managed to get the actor in a seat. He then started mumbling incoherently and the crews were trying to figure out what he was saying. Then he takes a package out of his jacket pocket...it was a mushed up burrito. He held it up to one of the crew and said "look....what is this?" So she looks and tells him it's a burrito...with chicken...he couldn't comprehend this AT ALL. She went and got him a soda and a sandwich. She was trying to get him into some kind of shape for the reading. It wasn't looking good. Oh, did I mention that he rode his motorcycle to the place? Yeah...good...right? Well, everyone LOVED him...said it was one of his best readings ever...he was brilliant. On and one it went, even though no one had been able to understand one word that came out of his mouth.

- #1 and #2 - Keanu Reeves



This A list film actor. I was thinking about it, but he definitely has opened movies on his own. Action though. That is kind of like women opening a horror film and being called A list. Oh, well, everyone knows him, and when I say know him, you know him. You know, (points eyes)down there. Well seems that our actor is a very generous sort to women on the street who he is attracted to. When he meets someone he likes and likes a great deal, he gives them his card. On the back of the card is a 1-800 number to a credit card concierge with a note that says, "buy something as beautiful and exotic as you... my treat xoxo". There is a pre-set spending limit on the gift.

- Gerard Butler



The summer this B list film actress who I love to rag on as of late was in Shakespeare in the Park, she lived in the building. The building is in Manhattan that was home to many celebs on a permanent basis or just while they were doing a stint in a play or something. So, our actress lived in the building that summer under an assumed name because she didn't want to be bothered. Fine...who cares. No one in the building really cared about famous people living there. There was no mail room at this building, but rather a concierge who gave out mail. All of the mail was in pigeon holes and generally, the concierge knew you and got your mail as you came to the desk. Sometimes there were a few people there so you had to wait. Fine...well, not fine for our actress. Once, while a person was getting their mail and chatting with the concierge for a moment, he got the mail and told the person they had a package in the back so he was going to get it. Before he went to get the package, our actress came up and asked for her stuff. She was told to wait since there was another person there ahead of her. She didn't like that at all. So she said, I can't wait and I want my stuff now. The concierge ignored her. She was so steamed and unfortunately, the person ahead of our actress in line had to ride in the elevator together. She had previously asked the security guard if she could have the elevator to herself. He promptly told her that that is not how things work in the building...but in a really nice way.

- Natalie Portman



Here's another ass. This involves an Academy Award winning actress/supporting actress. The building was set up such that there was a doorway that went from the elevator bank to the hall. One day a resident was going from the elevator to the hall and our actress was going the other way. Well, they didn't see each other and our actress bashed through the door and hit the resident in the head. Ok, mistake...fine...well...not so fine..our actress said "get out of my way." Yeah, not ok. So, the resident told her to watch it because the resident lived there etc etc and the resident thought that our actress was really rude. The woman with her apologized profusely. The resident told her there was NO reason for her to apologize because she didn't do anything. The resident pointed to our actress and said "She's the one who should be apologizing." The resident kept being ignored by our actress while the assistant just kept apologizing.

- Marisa Tomei



On that note, let me reveal another piece of turd, Ryan Adams.
Yes, he’s the dude that totally had a fan thrown out of a concert cause the fan kept calling out for Bryan Adams songs.
Yes, he’s the dude that I abhor, as do most people in the world, and you will too after reading this.
You see Mandy Moore, who I have a great affinity for, began dating le douche about 6 months ago.
Dude breaks up with her and releases a statement to OK! Magazine which can be read below..

"Mandy is one of those genuinely sweet angelic people you wish to meet your whole life. I am grateful for our friendship and how it allowed us both to grow and learn more.

Unfortunately I am allergic to paparazzi and have found the best antidote to that sort of nonsense is staying behind the guitar and typewriter, staying close to my support group of friends and band mates and not engaging in activities that prevent me from taking care of myself or others," he says. "I found the entire speculation and subsequent photographs and intrusions terrifying and only wish to live as normal a life as possible, so that I might always remain punk as fuck AND sober.”


Wait.
Did that dude write punk as fuck?
Is that a typo or did I read that right?
So let me get this straight.
You want the paparazzi to stay the hell away from you and yet you choose to release a statement in OK! Magazine to explain why you ended a relationship that frankly no one gives a shit about?
On top of that, you go a little TMI and reveal that this breakup was done in order to remain sober.
Really?
Last time I checked, the classy way to break up with a person is to say your peace to that person and be done with it.
Not release a statement to a notoriously paparazzi driven magazine and add fuel to the gossip fire by noting that you are trying to stay sober.
This dude gives me douche chills.
If I had five minutes with Mandy Moore, I would cleanse her relationship soul with some serious Some Kind of Wonderful action, mixed with some 16 Candles and a dash of Love Actually.
Mandy, llama me!



Moving on..,
Nicole Kidman and her sperm donor Keith Urban had una bambina on Monday morning.
Was she not just pregnant?
Whateves, maybe this will make her a bit more relatable to the peeps.
I wonder if baby Sunday lost her shit when she looked at her Mom’s face for the first time?
Cause Kidman's looking pretty tore up and I would not be surprised if that kid asked to be held by Dad more often then by Mom.




In other baby news, Matthew McConaughey and his homa had a baby boy Monday night.
Boy's name?
Levi.
Yes, Levi.
Sure the dude could have named the kid something even worse like Bongos or Weed or Drunk Face.
But Levi?
That kid is now forever destined to be hot and dumb and hot and Levi, just Levi.

I would have preferred Drunk Face but that's why I'm not having kids, so, yeah.





Drew Barrymore and that cutie Justin Long have ended their love affair.
This news makes me happy if only that Long won't have to be near Cammie Douchiaz and have that rash rub off on him.
I mean Drew used to be somewhat tolerable until she did those movies with Douchiaz and now she makes me want to vomit.
I'm sure he's heartbroken.
But Justin, dude, look at the bright side, no douche rash from Cammie and to be honest, Drew is starting to look a little, um, well, slow in the face.
She did you a real favor mi amigo.





So, the photo above was taken of Jake G. and Reece W. at a Jack Johnson concert, brought to you by Lainey's Gossip.
Whateves, I still think that my years of "Gay Jake" conspiracy theories will be validated.
But more importantly, the dude is at a Jack Johnson concert.
Jack Johnson folks, nothing even remotely cool about seeing this guy in concert.
Reece has really taken this white bread, conservative, polo and puka shell necklace wearing thing to an extreme.
Again, I feel like vomiting.




Where did this little vixen go?
I mean we could of hung out, talked about whether I should cut bangs or not and gossip about Phillipoo.


Now she's lookin' like the "hip" Mom at church and I am not down..





Did I mention that the new season of Project Runway starts Wednesday, July 16!
Hooray!!
My life has purpose!
Project Runway is totally the fashion god's own personal warrior.
PR is my crack, my Jigga, my Rafael Nadal..



Side bar..

Does Rafa own any other color then white?
I mean he always wears white pantalones del fuego when he plays and kicks ass at the tennis.
He always wears white chonies that I can be seen through his white pantalones del fuego and that he picks outta his sweet Spaniard ass cuando ello juego a la tennis.
Now white trunks.
I guess I'm gonna have to roll out to the Majorca and teach his sweet piece about the color wheel and shit.

Side bar endeth..




Rumor has it the Bradical and Anbrolina’s sacred babes are due next Tuesday.
Have you ever noticed that none of the kids, adopted or birthed, are unattractive?
They are all perfecto in their own way, gorgeous.
Maybe Drew should start hanging out with those kids and lick their tears or whatever to stop the progression of slow face.
Just a thought.




Um.
Mr. Gosling supposedly has a new girlfriend and honestly she looks kinda sloppy.
I'm just sayin’.
The only woman I can tolerate him with is the Gosling.
Otherwise, I bid you good day sloppy.






Dude, White Chola has not popped yet!
Hurry that shit up White Chola!
I gotta know if it's a girl so I can stop you from turning her into a baby chola.
So give that baby an exit scrategy pronto pants!




A while back that piece o' crap Ted C. at E! said that Ben and Jen were heading to the land of divorce.
Now comes this news.
Who knows what to believe?
What I do believe is that JenGar and Reece W. need to stop the madness.
Stop being quitters.
Stop wearing Mom Jeans.
Stop falling into the Gap.
Just. Stop.



I’m out.
A lo me gusta..

Peaces Greases...


**Photos courtesy of People, Just Jared, Lainey Gossip and celebritygossip.net.