wang, schlong, dong, johnson, pecker, woody, chode

Dudes.
Buenos Noches.

It looks like Kristen Stewart is back in the news.
A writer from the Chicago Sun Times felt the necessity to talk
shit.
Quickly followed up by Lainey, stirring the pot by comparing Stewart to Joaquin Phoenix.

Dude.
In response to the first article, yes, the girl is a gigantic train wreck when it comes to interviews, possibly stemming from her overuse of "big words" and her inability to enjoy life, let alone complete a sentence.
But cut her a little slack.
Imagine someone asking you for the billionth time why you chose the hott Brit to be the leading man (duh!), what it was like to play a simple girl with zero cajones and why the hott Brit felt the need to make a 180 year-old vamp sound like a guido.
Actually, I wish someone would ask that freaking question.

In response to the second quip, the girl is 18, socially retarded, thinks she has indie cred and likes to smoke weed to forget the pain that is Twilight.
Comparing her to the JP is absolutely ridiculous.
I mean this kid watched his brother die, tried to recover from the loss by changing his name from Leif to Joaquin, only to find that he couldn't recover with just a name change because he would always live in his brother's shadow, to the point that he has succumbed to the demons which have left him a shell of a man.

I lost it for the Joaquin after Walk the Line.

He was handsome, slim, dedicated and solid as a rock, rock, rock, rock, rock, rock.

Now he's a pudgy burn out, with a serious drug problem - which in and of itself is beyond me -, who thinks making a documentary about his ultimate downward spiral and life as a "rapper" is worth anyone's time and makes me vomit whenever I see photos of him and his attempt at spelling Good Bye.

Clever, you fuck.
The guy thinks he's a rapper.
A. Rapper.
If this kid has not gone over the deep end, then the addition of Casey Affleck as his director on this documentary of evil should help convince you.

All of this has made me so sad, so I read
this.

Skip ahead to page 4 and read Stephanie Meyer's take on the "dazzle" scene from Twilight the movie.
Man I wish this ho would shut. the. fuck. up.
Agreed, the scene should have been better, but you and your “novel” are not the fucking second coming, so be happy with what you got.
Give this biyotch fangirls and she turns into an auteur that thinks she will be relevant in 5 years time.
Ugh. Meyer, I spit in your general direction.


Most importantly, as an FYI, next time you attend the premiere of your film, phone a friend, use a lifeline, please get help from someone who will put you in front of a mirror to tell you that you look like a manatee in a shrug.


Moving on, it looks like the Pooptrow and hubby may be on the outs.
According to this article, the Pooper is making it with tool, a power tool.

Sure she is married to a tool now, but I guess you can never get enough tool.


This dude looks like that guy in those penis enlargement commercials, Bob?


Yep, this guy..



Looks like I may have been too harsh.
Gwynnie may be leaving her tool of a husband for a dick of a trust fund baby..

One more thing, have you seen the Adidas commercial with the house party that I wish I attended, like every day, but wasn’t cool enough to get invited to?
No?
enjoy kids
FYI, the song is Beggin’ a remix done by Madcon.


I got skills, I'll be back.


Peaces Greases..

the bionic, the bomb, the puff, the blow, the herb, the cronic, the sweet Mary Jane, the shit, Ganja, split, reefa,

So, saw the gigantic piece of caca known as the Twilight movie.
I am so out like Casino.
Cash my chips in dudes; the love has left the building.

That does not mean that I don't check in on the kids from the film, whose lives are totally and completely up shit creek.

This includes the lovely and marginally talented Kristen Stewart.
Girlfriend is 18, surly and in the middle of a media shit storm that she is totally not prepared for.
Plus, the little indie movie she thought she was making, has made $70 million dollars in the opening weekend alone and that my friends equals three more craptastical films to look forward to.
So what does a girl with serious social anxiety do to take the edge off a bad career move?
She smokes weed on the front steps of her home with her oily bohunk of a boyfriend.
Front steps.
Not in the backyard.
Not in the comfort of ones own home.
Nope, right there, on the front steps.
Where the photogs are camped out to study her every move.
Her PR peeps are going to be so mad at her.
For more photos click here.

Sad.
Girlfriend needs an intervention.
I volunteer and would like to discuss the following:
1. Her relationship with Nikki Reed. A nice girl but a total succubus who cannot seem to get any other roles in films other then those directed by Catherine Hardwicke.
2. Her relationship with that oily bohunk of hers, of whom she has been with since she was 14. Why, oh why she is still with the kid from Sky High?


As a lovely friend pointed out, he always looks like he is headed to a casting of Grease.

3. Oh, and of course this bit of info of gossip from Lainey.
Dudes.
I condone this whole-heartedly.
I mean, look at the dude..

Wake up San Francisco.
In the immortal words of Vanilla Ice, drop the zero and get with the hero.





On another note, those rumors about Joseph Gordon Levitt and Evan Rachel Wood, are just that, rumors.
Yes, they both have two first names, and are actors.
But no, no dating.
Have you seen her recently?

um. yeah. at a loss for words.


All right girls and boys have yourselves a fabulous turkey day..


be back soon.

peaces greases.

Huh huh huh hu-uh huh I know this much is true ...

Ok.
So, a few weeks ago I spilled my guts and told the world (or the three people that read this blog,) that I had read and was sucked (HA!) into the world of Twilight.
Since that blog entry, I have vomited my way through the other two books in the series, New Moon and Eclipse, and can’t bring myself to read the fourth, Breaking Dawn.

Um, all I can say is wow.
Wow that Stephanie Meyer was given the green light to continue to write three more books.


Now I am not going to get on my soapbox, but for fuck’s sake!
Did anyone take the time to read the manuscripts before unleashing this crap on teenage girls?
Maybe someone could have let Meyer in on the fact that female protagonist can have identities other then being some dudes bitch, have interests and opinions outside of their stalker boyfriends, enjoy dressing in clothes other then sweats and flannel shirts and need not create drama in their lives in order to push a story along.


Could Meyer have created a duller more one-dimensional character that is Bella Swan for her legions of fans?

How about creating a hott piece of vampire ass in the first book only to turn around and make the dude into a wiener-less, shell of a man, whose retarded girlfriend straight up stomps on his heart, whines and complains about everything and makes out with his mortal enemy.
Does he lose the zero and get with the hero?
No, he forgives and stays with her cause he loooooves her and her totally boring, fashionably challenged and socially retarded
ways.

And honestly, what is up with not allowing these two to hump?
I mean, maybe if they humped, Bella wouldn't be such a tool and Edward would get his Rhett Butler on.

Uhh!
Why did I read this?
I care enough to blog about this crap and that is total sad clown face.

Really, the only reason I am hanging on is because of this guy.

Yes, this dude is hot, hot, hot.
HOT.
Damn Gina hot.
Like putting him in the Twilight movie as Edward was a bad idea because one cannot help but think that Bella and Edward would hump in the first five minutes of the film cause he is so. damn. hot.

I just don’t want him to speak.
Total nerd alert.
Shhh.
Just stand there.

I digress.
This shit is lame.
I am lame for reading it.
I won’t mention it again.


Except.
Damn.
He is hot.

VIVA Barack Obama!!!!!!!!!!!

Enough said...

I'd do it if I could, I hope you know I would...

word bitches.
um, first let us take a moment to rewind to the age of headgear, pining for an oily bohunk and the hot bitch known as Jordan Catalano.
this should bring back amazingly awesome memories.
i liked Danes at this point, wanted to bone down with Leto or, excuse me, Jordan Catalano, and totally loved the Buffalo Tom song playing in the background that I downloaded it TONIGHT!

Project Runway is ovah.
Leanne won.
Big whoop.
Like we didn't see that coming from the very beginning.
What I didn't see coming was how much I would want Leanne to wash her hair from now until, um, forever.
Geez girl, things are not that bad in hipster nation that you could not buy Prell for like $1.50 at Walgreens and go to town on that oil slick.
Shit, bitch.

Chevron's Q&A here

Oh, and, Kenley?
I loathe you more then the two people on the top of my list that I actually know, hate and hope will burn in hell for all eternity and then some.
Take care of that thing your face does and jog on.

Kenley's exit interview from EW this a way


Korto,
Mi gusta.
And girl, you looked good at Bryant Park but your clothes kinda didn't.

Korto's peace out ovah here


Honestly, what has any winner of PR, with the exception of my main man Siriano, ever done with their lives?
So be stoked that you were on the last season on Bravo before the switch happens to the ovary snatching channel and peace out.


I am chocked full of gossip for you kids and I will share.
But for now, watch My So Called Life clips and dream of Catalano for eva.


Peaces Greases..

Heroes 3.2

Few things.

One, how freaking awesome is it that Bitchy is Sydog's mom..?

Two, how awesome was Sydog, trying to be good for five minutes and then not?

Three, how chubtastic was the retard blond speedster in her super suit?

Four, Tracy and Niki are twinner test tube babies, created in a lab.

Five, ODB = super badass as per usual.

Six, the preview for next week with Sydog all Jewish house mother and shit.

Seven, the return of Soul Glo for two long seconds.


Radical.

Heroes - S3 Episode 1

The two-hour season premiere of Heroes was tonight and I must say that those two hours were better then all of Season 2 combined.
So much good poop and of course, bad diarrhea.

The Good:

Sylar coming back, looking lean and mean, cutting peeps brains open, fucking shit up.

Mohindog, taking serum to finally gain super powers and some balls, becomes a bad ass with super strength, penis and peeling power.

Elle, all combustible and shit, losing papa Ned Ryerson, getting shit on by Bitchy which insures her most definitely coming over from the dark side.

Bitchtastic Peterelli, revealing her seeing the future super power, remaining bitchy and wrinkly while doing so.

Nathan, alive, with too much plastic surgery, so much so that his teeth are uber white and protruding, loving the Lord with his imaginary friend Linderman.

ODB out of cell number 5, ready to riggidy role son!

Claire all unfeeling, with a touch of dramatic acting and a dash of poo strain face.

Hottrelli, not so hot with the scar across his face, but then is hott when he doesn't have it, totally fucking up the space/time continuum.

Not Nikki, split personality free without a memory, living in a deluxe apartment in the sky, turning people into ice without trying as witnessed by her murder of the Great American Hero!

Claire's white trash mom who ends up being a fire starter, wicked fire starter.

Plus…
The new super bad villains.
Bitchy revealing that she is Sylar's homa.
Bitchy seeing the future villains straight up murdering the Heroes asses.

All and all the season premiere was fabulous and worth the wait for me to go from nerd to nerd alert.


The Bad:
The freaking super fast blond.
Bitch, please.
Try taking an acting class or two and not from Dora the Explorer.
Her hair is terrible, her red sweat suit, awful and her stupid face with added pout looks like a talking anus.
I hope she dies.
Stat.


The Vato shell that Peter Petrelli was put into.
Um, hi.
Could the Heroes casting director maybe picked up the dude from Training Day that talks about getting his shit pushed in, instead of this dude?
I mean come on.
I would have totally bought it coming from that dude.
ORALE!



Hiro.
I dunno.
He bothers me.
He should have practiced his, eyes tightly shut to convey the stoppage of time acting skill in the mirror this summer cause I am not buying it.


Porkman.
Is there a reason he is around other then Felicity nostalgia?
Cause I aint feeling it this season and my patients better not be tried.


Maya all hotastic and tan with a heavier accent then the last time we saw her, wearing super tight white capris, yellow halfie and stripper platforms to match.
Why is she still here?
To look like she shops at the tween section at Forever 21, looking fake and bake while doing so?
Figure it out folks and quick.



Questions?

What happened to Soul Glow?
How did Not Nikki come back?
What happened to Super Cousin without plot development?
What happened to Chompers aka Molly?




Next week..
More shit happens and things go down.
So stoked.


Peaces Greases..