the bionic, the bomb, the puff, the blow, the herb, the cronic, the sweet Mary Jane, the shit, Ganja, split, reefa,

So, saw the gigantic piece of caca known as the Twilight movie.
I am so out like Casino.
Cash my chips in dudes; the love has left the building.

That does not mean that I don't check in on the kids from the film, whose lives are totally and completely up shit creek.

This includes the lovely and marginally talented Kristen Stewart.
Girlfriend is 18, surly and in the middle of a media shit storm that she is totally not prepared for.
Plus, the little indie movie she thought she was making, has made $70 million dollars in the opening weekend alone and that my friends equals three more craptastical films to look forward to.
So what does a girl with serious social anxiety do to take the edge off a bad career move?
She smokes weed on the front steps of her home with her oily bohunk of a boyfriend.
Front steps.
Not in the backyard.
Not in the comfort of ones own home.
Nope, right there, on the front steps.
Where the photogs are camped out to study her every move.
Her PR peeps are going to be so mad at her.
For more photos click here.

Sad.
Girlfriend needs an intervention.
I volunteer and would like to discuss the following:
1. Her relationship with Nikki Reed. A nice girl but a total succubus who cannot seem to get any other roles in films other then those directed by Catherine Hardwicke.
2. Her relationship with that oily bohunk of hers, of whom she has been with since she was 14. Why, oh why she is still with the kid from Sky High?


As a lovely friend pointed out, he always looks like he is headed to a casting of Grease.

3. Oh, and of course this bit of info of gossip from Lainey.
Dudes.
I condone this whole-heartedly.
I mean, look at the dude..

Wake up San Francisco.
In the immortal words of Vanilla Ice, drop the zero and get with the hero.





On another note, those rumors about Joseph Gordon Levitt and Evan Rachel Wood, are just that, rumors.
Yes, they both have two first names, and are actors.
But no, no dating.
Have you seen her recently?

um. yeah. at a loss for words.


All right girls and boys have yourselves a fabulous turkey day..


be back soon.

peaces greases.

Huh huh huh hu-uh huh I know this much is true ...

Ok.
So, a few weeks ago I spilled my guts and told the world (or the three people that read this blog,) that I had read and was sucked (HA!) into the world of Twilight.
Since that blog entry, I have vomited my way through the other two books in the series, New Moon and Eclipse, and can’t bring myself to read the fourth, Breaking Dawn.

Um, all I can say is wow.
Wow that Stephanie Meyer was given the green light to continue to write three more books.


Now I am not going to get on my soapbox, but for fuck’s sake!
Did anyone take the time to read the manuscripts before unleashing this crap on teenage girls?
Maybe someone could have let Meyer in on the fact that female protagonist can have identities other then being some dudes bitch, have interests and opinions outside of their stalker boyfriends, enjoy dressing in clothes other then sweats and flannel shirts and need not create drama in their lives in order to push a story along.


Could Meyer have created a duller more one-dimensional character that is Bella Swan for her legions of fans?

How about creating a hott piece of vampire ass in the first book only to turn around and make the dude into a wiener-less, shell of a man, whose retarded girlfriend straight up stomps on his heart, whines and complains about everything and makes out with his mortal enemy.
Does he lose the zero and get with the hero?
No, he forgives and stays with her cause he loooooves her and her totally boring, fashionably challenged and socially retarded
ways.

And honestly, what is up with not allowing these two to hump?
I mean, maybe if they humped, Bella wouldn't be such a tool and Edward would get his Rhett Butler on.

Uhh!
Why did I read this?
I care enough to blog about this crap and that is total sad clown face.

Really, the only reason I am hanging on is because of this guy.

Yes, this dude is hot, hot, hot.
HOT.
Damn Gina hot.
Like putting him in the Twilight movie as Edward was a bad idea because one cannot help but think that Bella and Edward would hump in the first five minutes of the film cause he is so. damn. hot.

I just don’t want him to speak.
Total nerd alert.
Shhh.
Just stand there.

I digress.
This shit is lame.
I am lame for reading it.
I won’t mention it again.


Except.
Damn.
He is hot.

VIVA Barack Obama!!!!!!!!!!!

Enough said...

I'd do it if I could, I hope you know I would...

word bitches.
um, first let us take a moment to rewind to the age of headgear, pining for an oily bohunk and the hot bitch known as Jordan Catalano.
this should bring back amazingly awesome memories.
i liked Danes at this point, wanted to bone down with Leto or, excuse me, Jordan Catalano, and totally loved the Buffalo Tom song playing in the background that I downloaded it TONIGHT!

Project Runway is ovah.
Leanne won.
Big whoop.
Like we didn't see that coming from the very beginning.
What I didn't see coming was how much I would want Leanne to wash her hair from now until, um, forever.
Geez girl, things are not that bad in hipster nation that you could not buy Prell for like $1.50 at Walgreens and go to town on that oil slick.
Shit, bitch.

Chevron's Q&A here

Oh, and, Kenley?
I loathe you more then the two people on the top of my list that I actually know, hate and hope will burn in hell for all eternity and then some.
Take care of that thing your face does and jog on.

Kenley's exit interview from EW this a way


Korto,
Mi gusta.
And girl, you looked good at Bryant Park but your clothes kinda didn't.

Korto's peace out ovah here


Honestly, what has any winner of PR, with the exception of my main man Siriano, ever done with their lives?
So be stoked that you were on the last season on Bravo before the switch happens to the ovary snatching channel and peace out.


I am chocked full of gossip for you kids and I will share.
But for now, watch My So Called Life clips and dream of Catalano for eva.


Peaces Greases..

Heroes 3.2

Few things.

One, how freaking awesome is it that Bitchy is Sydog's mom..?

Two, how awesome was Sydog, trying to be good for five minutes and then not?

Three, how chubtastic was the retard blond speedster in her super suit?

Four, Tracy and Niki are twinner test tube babies, created in a lab.

Five, ODB = super badass as per usual.

Six, the preview for next week with Sydog all Jewish house mother and shit.

Seven, the return of Soul Glo for two long seconds.


Radical.

Heroes - S3 Episode 1

The two-hour season premiere of Heroes was tonight and I must say that those two hours were better then all of Season 2 combined.
So much good poop and of course, bad diarrhea.

The Good:

Sylar coming back, looking lean and mean, cutting peeps brains open, fucking shit up.

Mohindog, taking serum to finally gain super powers and some balls, becomes a bad ass with super strength, penis and peeling power.

Elle, all combustible and shit, losing papa Ned Ryerson, getting shit on by Bitchy which insures her most definitely coming over from the dark side.

Bitchtastic Peterelli, revealing her seeing the future super power, remaining bitchy and wrinkly while doing so.

Nathan, alive, with too much plastic surgery, so much so that his teeth are uber white and protruding, loving the Lord with his imaginary friend Linderman.

ODB out of cell number 5, ready to riggidy role son!

Claire all unfeeling, with a touch of dramatic acting and a dash of poo strain face.

Hottrelli, not so hot with the scar across his face, but then is hott when he doesn't have it, totally fucking up the space/time continuum.

Not Nikki, split personality free without a memory, living in a deluxe apartment in the sky, turning people into ice without trying as witnessed by her murder of the Great American Hero!

Claire's white trash mom who ends up being a fire starter, wicked fire starter.

Plus…
The new super bad villains.
Bitchy revealing that she is Sylar's homa.
Bitchy seeing the future villains straight up murdering the Heroes asses.

All and all the season premiere was fabulous and worth the wait for me to go from nerd to nerd alert.


The Bad:
The freaking super fast blond.
Bitch, please.
Try taking an acting class or two and not from Dora the Explorer.
Her hair is terrible, her red sweat suit, awful and her stupid face with added pout looks like a talking anus.
I hope she dies.
Stat.


The Vato shell that Peter Petrelli was put into.
Um, hi.
Could the Heroes casting director maybe picked up the dude from Training Day that talks about getting his shit pushed in, instead of this dude?
I mean come on.
I would have totally bought it coming from that dude.
ORALE!



Hiro.
I dunno.
He bothers me.
He should have practiced his, eyes tightly shut to convey the stoppage of time acting skill in the mirror this summer cause I am not buying it.


Porkman.
Is there a reason he is around other then Felicity nostalgia?
Cause I aint feeling it this season and my patients better not be tried.


Maya all hotastic and tan with a heavier accent then the last time we saw her, wearing super tight white capris, yellow halfie and stripper platforms to match.
Why is she still here?
To look like she shops at the tween section at Forever 21, looking fake and bake while doing so?
Figure it out folks and quick.



Questions?

What happened to Soul Glow?
How did Not Nikki come back?
What happened to Super Cousin without plot development?
What happened to Chompers aka Molly?




Next week..
More shit happens and things go down.
So stoked.


Peaces Greases..

No, you can't give a build-up like that and not deliver..

Ok.
I have a confession to make.
I have been wrapped up in ... gulp ...Twilight.
Yes, I broke the fuck down.
It has been a downward spiral of evil and shame.
I hate myself and feel dirty about reading this deliciously entertaining smut.
I want to take a shower and if it involves vampire hott piece Edward Cullen, all the better.

If you don't know what in the heck Twilight is, witness.

I feel like a 12-year-old with pimples, that smells like pee and always forgets to wear her headgear.
I mean honestly.

I totally cock blocked myself from reading this.
Didn't want to jump on the bandwagon.
Wanted to be a rebel.
Then I buckled because I wondered how is it that this book is so freaking popular and from the fanatics addictive?

So, I read it and here is the 411.

Low Points:
First off, I don't want to knock on the S. Meyer fandom but homegirl kinda writes like poo.
She climbs up to Big Word Mountain and yells out the baddest ones she can.
So many situations were I barfed over the cheese factor and found myself keeping count on how many times she used the words dazzling, beautiful and statuesque.

Plus, Meyer cannot dress a character to save her life.
Bella, the protagonist, the object of Edward's affections, the human girl that breaks him, wears a flannel at some point in the story.
Edward, the hottness, wears a white, mock turtleneck.
Um, this dude is so not freaking Bobby Brown circa 1992, jammin' on the one, ok.

High Points:
Meyer is a phenom in the storyteller department.
You can't put the book down because you have to know what's going to happen next.
It's like she doused the book with crack.

The characters are interesting; there is drama plus a little action/adventure.
People glowing and shit.
Sexual tension and intrigue.
Prom!

Most importantly, the vampire dude character guy?
Majorly crush worthy.
He smells necks and traces his figure around jaw lines.
He watches you sleep and writes songs for your ass.
He drives fancy cars, saves his ho and I am sure would look good in a suit.
As evidenced here by Robert Pattinson, Edward in the film, along with the other cast members.


The love story is pretty fabulous too.
Kinda like Leonardo and Claire in that Romeo and Juliet redo, were you just about lost your shit over the romantico and wanted to straight commit suicide for your high school boyfriend Randy..
No?


As far as the film goes..
Kristen Stewart and the above-mentioned Rob Pattinson play the leads in the film adaptation.

The two look good together.
Pretty surprised and how lovely Stewart turned out.
I thought she would go the rough route like her mentor Jodi Foster.

Don't get me started on Robert Pattinson aka Cedric Diggory.
Um..
Observe My Ho Fo' Sho'-




The other folks in the cast are straight outta the CW, look like they have bad weaves and cannot hold a candle to, I want to pat him on his sweet ass, Pattinson.


Anywho, read the Twilight if you're down.
But I warn you, you may lose friends, significant others, $85 for the four book series and street cred.
Major, major Nerd Alert.

P.S. The movie comes out November 21 and I am so there it's insane.


Photos courtesy of bellaandedward.com, InStyle and Just Jared.