Hola Homies.
I have purposefully not commented on the Academy Awards because honestly, they were pretty blah.
I did like the former winners of best actor/actress honoring each individual nominee and then welcoming the winner into their fraternity/sorority.
I loved me some Marion Cotillard cause she is cute and French.
She has a little girl voice that does not annoy me because she actually speaks this way.
This is not some put on voice that folks use when speaking to a baby and/or their boo and/or an animal.
You know the one, cause you have used it, don’t lie.
Plus she looked lovely.
If I were hyperactive breather Kate Winslet, I would have chosen not to pose with Maid Marion.
Girlfriend is dope and makes Winslet look old and frumpy.
Or maybe it was the freaking Mother of the Bride dress that Winslet wore?
Either way, you chose wrong Winslet.
My man Jackman did a pretty good job.
A little too song and dance for me, but I dug him.
Helps that he is hot and talented.
Also, he is freaking' Wolverine.
I mean shit man, have you seen the preview for that movie?
Or this picture?
No, not that one!
Ha! What a total goober, no?
This one.
Yeah, me likey.
I was bummed that Mickey Rourke did not win and Douche Penn did.
I mean, to be real, real, real, real real, real, this was to be Rourke's last chance at an Oscar.
It was like The Wrestler was an autobiographical documentary of Rourke's messed up life of too many drugs and too many Chihuahua's.
Oh, and too much plastic surgery.
So much in fact, that his face has melted onto itself to the point where I cannot distinguish between Rourke and Wayne Newton fish.
Observe.
Reece Witherspoon’s dress made her look like a burned out Ice Capades dancer.
What the f' was this?
Compared to this?
Aw hell to the no.
Dude, you are dating Jake G.
Even though I, and a good percentage of the world, thinks you are his beard.
Show up Reece.
Stop looking like you have mom jeans underneath that abomination.
I dug the vintage dress worn by Penelope Cruz.
The dress made me happy and brought back memories of cotton candy.
Except that this cotton candy was white and really, really old.
Probably smelled like moth balls.
Ew.
Moving on..
Of course Halle Berry was a fox.
Have you seen her baby?
I mean honestly.
That kid is too pretty for words.
Well I don't have words to say because I have stuffed my face with Oreo's in despair over a mere baby who is like ten times better looking then me.
You are not making me feel good Berry.
Moving on..
Anne Hathaway did not win anything and I can say hallelujah.
She did some dance number with Hugh that made her look like the drama geek she is.
Keep singing and not eating sister.
Me-ow.
Evan Rachel Wood looked washed out and tore up.
She did spend the day with Manson, or so I've heard, so that could explain it.
My biggest complaint?
Freaking Jennifer Aniston.
Dude.
You are on the grandest stage, with all eyes on you and what you are wearing.
Because of course, your ex-husband and his hot piece of a girlfriend are going to walk the red carpet and look AMAZING.
Witness.
So what do you wear and who do you bring?
Um.
First, what the hell with the dress?
It looks like something an 80-year-old Cougar would pick up at Cache.
Second, is that a braid in your hair?
You are a classy, older lady.
No braids Aniston.
I know you are a gigantic hippie, but there is a time and a place for that and it was not on the red carpet.
Wait. There is no place for hippies.
And you brought John Mayer?
Really?
Come by yourself next time cause this dude is doing you no favors.
I mean he makes obnoxious faces when he plays his guitar, makes false and embarrassing comments about his sexual prowess and is BFF with Pete Wentz.
Yes, that Pete Wentz. The one that married it and is often mistaken as a hobbit who over shares.
So, in summation, this years AA's were whatever.
Some of the speeches were good, no one looked too awful and I was bored to tears.
What was the upside to this snooze fest?
No Diablo Cody.
Freaking BONUS!
